Tag: St. Peter

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Don’t Step On The Ducks

Rubber Chicken Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying “you can do as you please in Heaven, just don’t step on any ducks.”

The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck.

Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, “for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man.

The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says “I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

The man replies, “I don’t know what you did lady, but I… stepped on a duck.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The Queue

Rubber Chicken A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book.

Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer.

He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue.

Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.

St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.

“You are a lawyer aren’t you?’

“Yes” the lawyer replies. “Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?”

“Oh, no, “Said St Peter. “It’s just you are the first one to ever get here.”

 

 

Jokes Political

Joke Of The Day: The Pearly Gates

Rubber Chicken Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a politician wound up together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.”

The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.”

St.Peter let him through the gate and then turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, “1,228.”

“That’s right! You may enter.”

St. Peter then turned to the politician and said, “Name them.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Entrance Into Heaven

Rubber Chicken A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: How Things Work At The Pearly Gates

Rubber Chicken An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the old man, “I’ll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry.”

The old man begins, “I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs.”

“That’s good,” says St. Peter. “I’ll give you 3 points.”

“Oh,” says the man. “This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully.”

“Fine,” says St. Peter, “That will be another 2 points.”

“Just 2 points?” says the old man. “All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them.”

“Great!” says St. Peter. “Another 3 points for you!”

“Only three points!” says the man. “At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place.”

“Bingo!” says St. Peter. “That’s a hundred points! Come on in.”

 

 

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