Tag: St. Peter

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The Pearly Gates

Rubber Chicken A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful.

Did I really make it to heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.” The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. “Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.” The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

“I’d be honored,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”

 

 

Jokes Political

Joke Of The Day: Bill Clinton At The Pearly Gates

Rubber Chicken Bill Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates.

After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“It’s me, Bill Clinton.”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Zebra Goes To Heaven

Rubber Chicken A Zebra died and went to heaven. At the Gate he asked St. Peter if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.

St. Peter told him, “You are what you are.”

Well that didn’t tell him anything so St. Peter told him to ask God when he saw him. So when he saw God he asked him if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes and God told him, “You are what you are.”

The next time he saw St. Peter, St Peter asked him what God had said and he told him God had said, “You are what you are.”

So St. Peter said, “Well, you’re a white zebra with black stripes.

The zebra asked, “How do you figure that?” and St. Peter said, “If you had been a black zebra with white stripes God would have said, “You is what you is.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Getting Married In Heaven

Rubber Chicken A young couple was on their way to get married when they were involved in a fatal car accident. It was really bad, like something from a Quentin Tarantino movie.

At any rate, they soon found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven staring at St. Peter himself. Upset, but wanting to make the best of a bad situation, the woman asks St. Peter if the can get married in Heaven, since they couldn’t before they died.

“Wow,” he said, “that’s the first time in all of eternity anyone has ever asked me that. I’ll go check!”

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven JokeSo, for what seemed like an eternity, St. Peter was gone. Innumerable amounts of people were backing up the line at the gates of heaven. He was gone for so long, the young couple began having doubts as to whether they really wanted to be with each other for all of eternity.

Just when they were about to give up hope, St. Peter finally returned. “Good news! Looks like we can make this happen!” he said with an exhausted smile.

“Great!” replied the young man, “but before we go through with it, we were wondering… what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?”

“Holy cow!” gasped St. Peter. “It took me four months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it would take to find a lawyer?”

 

 

Jokes Political

Joke Of The Day: Clocks

Rubber Chicken A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.

“What are those used for?” he asked.

St. Peter said, “There’s one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.”

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. “Why do they move at different speeds?” he asked.

St. Peter said, “Every time you tell a lie, you lose one hour of your life and your clock speeds up.”

The newcomer looked around and then asked, “Do you have one of these for my local politician?”

St. Peter answered, “Sure! It’s in the back room. We use it for a ceiling fan.”

 

 

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