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Three hefty women walk into a restaurant, and sit down at a table. The server comes to take their drink orders. When they’re done ordering he says, “What interesting accents! Are you broads from Scotland?”
One woman looks at him with surprise and disgust and says, “WALES!” The bartender says, “Okay, fine. Are you whales from Scotland?” |
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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman are in a bar discussing how stupid their wives are.
The English man says: You know my wife must be the most stupid woman on this planet. There was a sale down at the supermarket last week, she bought $300 worth of meat, and we don’t even have a freezer. The Scotsman says: That’s nothing, my wife went out last week and bought a brand new car for $8000, and she can’t even drive. The Irishman says: You think that’s stupid, I went home last week and my wife told me that she’d booked herself a two-week holiday in Tenerife. I watched her packing her case and she took nearly 400 condoms with her, and she doesn’t even have a penis. |
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“As good as this bar is,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.” “Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.” “Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. “Back home in me favorite pub in Galway , the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!” The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. “Did this actually happen to you?” “Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.” |
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The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked. “I want to see Valerie,” the man replied. “Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam. “No, I must see Valerie,” he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still £5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” The man replied, “Edinburgh.” “Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh.” “I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person…” |
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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run….run!
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!” A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!” The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling “R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!” All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, “He doesn’t have to run, he’s got four balls.” After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, “Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!” |