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Heaven is where:
The police are British, Hell is where: The chefs are British, |
Tag: Heaven
Joke Of The Day: Bin Laden’s Afterlife Surprise
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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!” An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?” |
Joke Of The Day: Entrance Into Heaven
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A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.” Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait, wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.” Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?” Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.” |
Joke Of The Day: How Things Work At The Pearly Gates
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An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.
St. Peter says to the old man, “I’ll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry.” The old man begins, “I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs.” “That’s good,” says St. Peter. “I’ll give you 3 points.” “Oh,” says the man. “This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully.” “Fine,” says St. Peter, “That will be another 2 points.” “Just 2 points?” says the old man. “All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them.” “Great!” says St. Peter. “Another 3 points for you!” “Only three points!” says the man. “At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place.” “Bingo!” says St. Peter. “That’s a hundred points! Come on in.” |
Joke Of The Day: Getting Married In Heaven
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A young couple was on their way to get married when they were involved in a fatal car accident. It was really bad, like something from a Quentin Tarantino movie.
At any rate, they soon found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven staring at St. Peter himself. Upset, but wanting to make the best of a bad situation, the woman asks St. Peter if the can get married in Heaven, since they couldn’t before they died. “Wow,” he said, “that’s the first time in all of eternity anyone has ever asked me that. I’ll go check!” St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven JokeSo, for what seemed like an eternity, St. Peter was gone. Innumerable amounts of people were backing up the line at the gates of heaven. He was gone for so long, the young couple began having doubts as to whether they really wanted to be with each other for all of eternity. Just when they were about to give up hope, St. Peter finally returned. “Good news! Looks like we can make this happen!” he said with an exhausted smile. “Great!” replied the young man, “but before we go through with it, we were wondering… what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?” “Holy cow!” gasped St. Peter. “It took me four months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it would take to find a lawyer?” |
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