Joke Of The Day

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Mar 172011
 

A politician and the pope were both killed in an accident.

The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the politician his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and looked it up in his book also.

“Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings,” said St. Peter.

They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the politician and told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.

St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, “Just a minute! That other guy was a politician and he gets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?”

St. Peter looked at the Pope and said “True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first politician ever to make it up here.”

Joke Of The Day

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Jan 032011
 

When James Bond died, he went to heaven, and St Peter asked “What’s your name?”

“Bond, James Bond.”

“Everybody says that, I’m going you a test, and if you pass you can get it. Go into that room full of people and bring me Adam.”

After a few minutes, James Bond comes out of the room with Adam.

St Peter asks “How did you do it?”

Bond replies “It was easy, he was the only one without a belly button.”

St Peter asks Adam to go back inside and asks everybody to cover their stomachs. He dares James Bond to try again. And he did after five minutes.

St Peter asks “How did you do it this time?”

Bond replies “It was easy, he was the only one missing a rib.”

St Peter dares him again, and asks everybody to dress the same. And after 10 minutes, there were noises, people shouting and insults… finally James Bond came out with Adam once more.

St Peter say “I can’t believe it, you really are James Bond, but tell me, how did you do it?”

Bond says “It was easy, I started to tell Yo Mama jokes, and he was the only one that didn’t get offended.”

Joke Of The Day

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Dec 202010
 

Having arrived at Heaven’s Gates, Barack Hussein Obama meets a bearded man. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks.

‘No, my son; I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up…’ Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides; through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man . He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’

‘No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still ..’

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he climbs the ladder yet again; discovering an even larger room where he meets another bearded man. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’

‘ No, I am Jesus . . . You will find Mohammed higher up .’

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

‘No, my son . . . . I am Almighty God. But, you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?’

‘Yes! Please, my Lord.’

God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: ‘Yo, Mohammed – – two coffees!’

Joke Of The Day

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Dec 192010
 

When Jimmy was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Jimmy to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” Jimmy answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, Jimmy answered, “NO!”

The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.

Well, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A very confident young Jimmy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”

Joke Of The Day

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Dec 142010
 

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, church pastor for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!”

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