Joke Of The Day

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May 232011
 

Twin brothers were born. As they grew up, one took the path of least resistance, and did not live a very good life. He drank, gambled, cheated on his wife, stole, embezzled-you name it. Of course, because of his lifestyle, he did not live to be very old.

Years and years later, the other twin-who had lead an exemplary-died with his loved ones by his side at the ripe old age of 89.

So when he got to heaven, St. Peter asked him if he had any requests. He said to St. Peter, “Look, I know my twin brother didn’t lead a good life, but he was my brother, and if it’s okay with you, I’d really like to take one last look at him.”

“Certainly, my son,” St. Peter said as he parted the clouds to peer down into the underworld. The man saw the most extraordinary thing! His brother was on a deserted island in a lake of fire, with a beautiful blonde on one hand and a bottle of 100-year-old whiskey in the other!

“I don’t get it,” the man said, “What kind of punishment is that?”

“Ah,” said St. Peter, “Don’t be deceived by looks, my son. All is not what it appears to be. You see, the bottle of whiskey has a hole in it, but the girl . . . “

Story Of The Day

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May 142011
 

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.

He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”

“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.

“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?” the man asked.

“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.”

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveler asked.

“I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.”

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

“Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?”

“Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.”

“How about my friend here?” the traveller gestured to the dog.

“There should be a bowl by the pump.”

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

“What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.

“This is Heaven,” he answered.

“Well, that’s confusing,” the traveller said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.”

“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.”

“Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”

“No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”

Joke Of The Day

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May 092011
 

St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates when a group of people from Detroit walked up. He had never had anyone from Detroit make it this close, so he told them to wait there while he asks God how to handle this.

St. Peter found God and asked him what to do about the people from Detroit. God said to let the ten most virtuous amongst them enter heaven.

St. Peter left God, and a few minutes later he came running back up to God, and said…”they’re gone”!

God asked…”the people from Detroit”?

St. Peter said… “No, the Pearly Gates”!