A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,
Crissssssscoooo!’
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, ‘Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.’
The woman replies, ‘Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my husband. He’s in here somewhere’
The clerk is astonished.
‘Your husband’s name is Crisco?’
The woman answers, ‘Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we’re out in public’
‘I see,’ said the clerk. ‘What do you call him at home?’
‘Lard ass.’
A husband was having great difficulty getting along with his wife – nothing but arguing and friction – so he decided to consult a marriage counselor.
After they had talked for a while, the counselor said, “I suggest that you run five miles each day for a week. Then please call me back.”
A week later the counselor received a call from the husband, “Well,” asked the counselor, “how are things going with you and your wife?
“How should I know?” said the husband. “I’m thirty-five miles away.”
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After along period of silence she finally speaks.
Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we are married I think it’s time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
“There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!”, she screams, “I didn’t know you were married before!”
“I wasn’t.”