Guide: Translating Californese into Texan

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Mar 162011
 
Translation into Texan of some common California euphemisms…

In California:

Means in Texas:

Diversity/Lifestyle Choice

Sinful and Perverted

Arsenal of Weapons

Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands

Swamp

Undocumented Worker

Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials

Polyester

Assault and Battery

Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed

Well-protected

Narrow-minded

Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share

Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control

Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives

Fireworks or Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass

Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity

Socialism

Multicultural Community

High Crime Area

Fairness /Social Progress

Marxism

Upper Class or “The Rich”

Self-Employed

Progressive, Change

Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged

Bums/Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle

Scoped Deer Gun

Investment For the Future

Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform

Socialized Medicine

Extremist,/Judgmental/Hater

Conservative

High Capacity Magazine

Standard Mag

Religious Zealot

Church-going

Fair Trade Coffee

Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or “The Rich”

Employed/Land Owner

The Gun Lobby

NRA Members

Assault Weapon

Semi-Auto (Grandpa’s M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus

New/Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage

Legalized Perversion

Source…

Joke Of The Day

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Feb 222011
 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a Fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station…

The conversation went like this:

”Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?”

”And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O’Malley at St. Ann’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead on me front lawn ”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ”Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment…

Then Father O’Malley replied: “Aye, ’tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

California vs. Texas

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Feb 142011
 

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog, then bites the Governor.

California:
1. The Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it.
3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged.
5. The Running trail gets shut down for 6 months while wildlife services conduct a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 of state funds implementing a “coyote awareness” program for residents of the area.
7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to better handle rabies and how to possibly eradicate the disease.
8. The Governor’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack and for letting the Governor intervene.
9. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
10. PETA protests the coyote relocation and files suit against the state.

Texas:
1. The Governor shoots coyote and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. Buzzards eat dead coyote.

‘Don’t Tread on Me’ License Plates Approved in Texas

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Dec 022010
 

Fans of the Gadsden Flag may soon be able to display its familiar rattlesnake and “Don’t Tread on Me” message every time they pull out of the driveway.

At least three states — Virginia, Nevada and Texas — are weighing or have already approved proposals to add “Don’t Tread on Me” specialty license plates to their state rosters.

The Gadsden Flag, originally used by the U.S. Marine Corps during the American Revolution, was meant to represent the 13 original colonies and their battle for independence from the British monarchy. It has recently been adopted by some Tea Party groups as a message against big government.

Several supporters of the symbol say they will seek to have Gadsden plates available in other states throughout the country.

But critics say the flag’s “Don’t Tread on Me” message is political in nature, and has no place on any government-issued license plate.

Read more…

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