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A priest had a small flock of chickens, but the prize rooster went missing, and he didn’t know where to find it. So at the sermon next Sunday he asked: “Has anybody got a cock?”
All the men stood up. “No, no, I mean has anybody seen a cock?” All the women stood up. “No, no, I mean has anybody seen my cock?” All the nuns stood up! |
Now it’s illegal for some priests to do their normal duties and to minister their faith because of Obama and Reid’s shutdown. I’ll bet Muslim Imam’s will get a pass.
In a stunning development, some military priests are facing arrest if they celebrate mass or practice their faith on military bases during the federal government shutdown.
“With the government shutdown, many [government service] and contract priests who minister to Catholics on military bases worldwide are not permitted to work – not even to volunteer,” wrote John Schlageter, the general counsel for the Archdiocese for the Military Services USA, in an op-ed this week. “During the shutdown, it is illegal for them to minister on base and they risk being arrested if they attempt to do so.”
According to its website, the Archdiocese for the Military Services “provides the Catholic Church’s full range of pastoral ministries and spiritual services to those in the United States Armed Forces.”
In his piece, Schlageter worries about this restriction as Sunday nears. “If the government shutdown continues through the weekend, there will be no Catholic priest to celebrate Mass this Sunday in the chapels at some U.S. military installations where non-active-duty priests serve as government contractors,” he wrote.
Because of the lack of active-duty Catholic chaplains, the military relies on hiring civilian priests to serve as government service and contract ministers. Those civilian priests are not allowed on the bases during a shutdown, Schlageter wrote.
One Republican lawmaker on the House Intelligence Committee told The Daily Caller on Friday that this “crosses a constitutional line.”
“The constitutional rights of those who put their lives on the line for this nation do not end with a government slowdown,” Kansas Rep. Mike Pompeo, a graduate of West Point and an Army veteran, said in a Friday statement. ”It is completely irresponsible for the president to turn his back on every American’s First Amendment rights by furloughing military contract clergy.”
Added Pompeo: “The President’s strategy during the slowdown, just as during the sequestration, is to create as much pain as possible. However, this action crosses a constitutional line of obstructing every U.S. service member’s ability to practice his or her religion.”
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just WAIT until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, ” Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so excited, father” replied the nun, “it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the CEILING, father.”
“How much did you win?”
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples,not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated,not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub,yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St Taffy’s.