Joke Of The Day: A Handful Of Almonds

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Aug 222014
 
Rubber Chicken A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don’t eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

“Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Old Timers Bar

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Aug 202014
 
Rubber Chicken Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Florida.They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons.”

 

 

Grandpa Doesn’t Look Good Naked Anymore

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Aug 152014
 

Grandpa Doesn't Look Good Naked Anymore

Grandpa doesn’t think he looks good naked anymore. This may be the most honest song ever!

Enjoy!

I Don’t Look Good Naked Anymore” is the first single released by the Snake Oil Willie Band. It’s a humorous song that a lot of people can identify with.

 

Joke Of The Day: The Wrinkled Negligee

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Jun 142014
 
Rubber Chicken Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that his wife’s birthday today.

At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life.

He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He’ll wait in the kitchen.

His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.

Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she’s never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination.

She thinks for a moment and then decides that she’ll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.

So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark without clothes. She calls out, “Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.” Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims,
“All that money and they didn’t even iron it.”

 

 

Aging

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May 202014
 
Aging

 
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible… Is that true? Where is it?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Egypt …”

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these.”