On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
She said, “I can’t wear your pants.”
“That’s right,” intoned the groom, “And don’t you forget it. I’m the one who wears the pants in the family.”
The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
“No way. I can’t get into your panties.” he said.
“That’s right. And that’s the way it’ll be until you change your attitude.” she said and smiled.
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based ON what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The result:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she
has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk … and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required — everyone KNOWS what happens here.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum —-
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay.
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, “Ooh dad, there’s one.”
“No,” said the father. “There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, “Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.”
“No,” the father said. “We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait.”
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”
“No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”
“Why not?” asked the son.
“Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”
A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”
The man anxiously says, “Yes.”
“Take the poison,” says the Rabbi.