Thoughts From An Older Man

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Feb 162014
 

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don’t really give a rat’s ass anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And you tell me to exercise? I don’t think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

  1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
  3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
  4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
  5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
  6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
  7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
  8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
  9. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  10. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
  11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
  12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  13. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
  14. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
  15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
  16. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
  17. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
  18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Male And Female Equal?

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Feb 152014
 

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal; but boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long, not because they look nice, but because they can dig them into a boy’s arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the DVD after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

 

Joke Of The Day: Snowplow Directions

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Feb 092014
 
Rubber Chicken On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Edmonton were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.” So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park….” Then the electricity went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?”

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all married men exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time.”

 

 

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