A Marine dies in combat and wakes up to find he is in hell. He’s really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself I know I lead a wild life but, Hell, I’m a Marine. We’re expected to live wild lives. I wasn’t that bad. I never thought it would come to this. ” Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What’s the problem, you look depressed?
Marine: Well, what do you think? I’m in hell.
Counselor: Hell’s not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Marine: Of course I do. I’m a Marine.
Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays, On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much you want. We party all night long. You’ll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Marine: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart’s desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you like to fight?
Marine: Of course I do. I’m a Marine!
Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That’s Fighting Day. We challenge each other to fights to see who’s the toughest in Hell. You don’t have to worry about getting hurt or killed, because you’re already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Marine: Show me a Marine who doesn’t!
Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays, because we gamble all day and night. Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Marine: Of course, not! I’m a Marine!
Counselor: Oh, you’re going to hate Fridays.
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.
The lawyer immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The lawyer protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.
The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willing to change venue to Hell.
The lawyer asked: “Why can appeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?”
The devil answered: “We have all of the judges.”
Bill Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.”
“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.
“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.
“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.
The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. Bill Clinton, not keen on this, asks to see the next room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
Bill Clinton immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting oral sex from a gorgeous blonde.
Bill Clinton jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says “okay, you can stop now. You’ve been relieved”.