Joke Of The Day: Musicians

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Nov 182014
 
Rubber Chicken At the Gates of Heaven, all entrants were being checked to confirm their identity before they were let in.

The angel asked the first man in line, who was a tycoon from Chicago.”What have you achieved in your life?”

The tycoon replied, “I made it big in the steel business. I didn’t keep everything to myself. I distributed my money among my entire family, so the next 4 generations will not have to worry.”

The angel invited him in.

He asked the next man in line about his achievements.

It was a stock broker from New York. He said, “I made millions at NYSE. But I was not selfish like the Chicago guy to keep all my wealth in the family. I donated a few millions to orphanages around the world.”

“That’s good” said the angel and invited him in.

The next man in line was trying not to make eye contact. When the angel asked him, he replied, “I made only seven thousand dollars in my whole life.”

“Good Lord”, said the angel. “Which instrument did you play?”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Heaven And Hell

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Oct 072014
 
Rubber Chicken Heaven is where:

The police are British,
The cooks are French,
The mechanics German,
The lovers Italian,
It’s all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where:

The chefs are British,
The mechanics French,
The lover’s Swiss,
The police German
It’s all organized by the Italians.

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Bin Laden’s Afterlife Surprise

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Sep 252014
 
Rubber Chicken After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Entrance Into Heaven

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Aug 182014
 
Rubber Chicken A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.

Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait, wait! There’s more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: How Things Work At The Pearly Gates

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May 162014
 
Rubber Chicken An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the old man, “I’ll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry.”

The old man begins, “I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs.”

“That’s good,” says St. Peter. “I’ll give you 3 points.”

“Oh,” says the man. “This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully.”

“Fine,” says St. Peter, “That will be another 2 points.”

“Just 2 points?” says the old man. “All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them.”

“Great!” says St. Peter. “Another 3 points for you!”

“Only three points!” says the man. “At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place.”

“Bingo!” says St. Peter. “That’s a hundred points! Come on in.”

 

 

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