Joke Of The Day: Heaven Or Hell

Joke Of The Day: Heaven Or Hell A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she’d just received a message from her dead husband – asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

“The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.”

“Why not?” asked her friend.

“Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven – but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell.”

“Hm,” responded the friend. “Well, maybe I shouldn’t bring this up, but. . . he didn’t mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?”

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Married In Heaven

Joke Of The Day: Married In Heaven On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.” “Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. “What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple. “Geez!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Ducks In Heaven

Joke Of The Day: Ducks In Heaven Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?”

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band.

It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, “I did. ”

St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman. He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Pinwheel Smith

Rubber Chicken A woman arrives at the and meets Saint Peter. She says, “I was supposed to look up my husband when I got here.”

Saint Peter asks, “What’s his name?”

She answers, “Smith.”

Saint Peter replies, “I’ve got hundreds of thousands of Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”

She responds, “His name is John Smith.”

Saint Peter says, “I got thousands of John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”

She answers, “He’s got red hair.”

Saint Peter replies, “I have hundreds of red haired John Smiths here, could you narrow it down a little?”

She responds, “Well, he told me to always remain faithful to his memory, or else he’d roll over in his grave!”

Saint Peter says, “Oh, you mean Pinwheel Smith!”

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Dolly Parton And Queen Elizabeth

Rubber Chicken Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: “Unfortunately, there’s only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said: “Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: “OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Dolly was outraged and asked, “What was that all about? I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

“Sorry, Dolly,” said the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

 

 

 

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