Joke(s) of the Day

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Jul 152010
 

Q: Why do they put bells on cows?
A: Because their horns don’t work!

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: Roaming Catholic.

Q: What is the famous last words in surgery?
A: Ouch

Q: Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
A: Tequilla! (to kill her)

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb into a tree and act like a nut.

Government Pipe Specifications

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Jul 142010
 

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.


2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.


3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.


4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.


5. All pipe should be supplied without rust – this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.


6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words “long pipe” clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe


7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words “very long pipe” painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.


8. All pipe over 6″ (152 mm) in diameter must have the words “large pipe” painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.


9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.


10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.


11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.


12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads – otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

Actual Quotes From Texas Politicians

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Jul 142010
 

The following are actual quotes from Texas politicians.

1. “It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket.”
Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury.

2. “Lemme give ya’ a hypothetic.”
Texas Rep. Renal Rosson.

3. “Ain’t nothin’ in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

4. “And now, will y’all stand and be recognized?”
Texas House SpeakerGib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs.

5. “Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one.”
C. Greene.

6. “No thanks, once was enough.”
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again.

7. “Oh good. Now he’ll be bi-ignorant.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish.

8. “I’d just make a little bit of money, I wouldn’t make a whole lot.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

9. “Well, there never was a Bible in the room.”
Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

10. “I am filled with humidity.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

11. “If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin’ rights on that man’s head.”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush’s policies.

12. “If it’s dangerous to talk to yourself, it’s probably even dicier to listen”
Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower.

13. “I move we recess to go outside and throw up.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing.

14. “This is a real competitive business.”
A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded.

15. “…idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women…”
Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote.

16. “It’s the sediment of the House that we adjourn.”
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

17. “Let’s do this in one foul sweep.”
Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton.

18. “This is unparalyzed in the state’s history.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

19. “I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

20. “We’ll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger.”
Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

21. “There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.” Texas
House Speaker Gib Lewis.

22. “I can explain it for you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
Anon.

23. “There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information.”
Don Rottenberg.

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