Interactive Taxes

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Apr 142009
 

Hello. Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program. Do you feel like doing your taxes today?

I see. Well, don’t you think you should do them anyway? After all, it’s April 14. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get a refund.

That’s the spirit. Let’s begin with your name, address, and marital status.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don’t let it get you down. That alimony deduction will come in handy.

Please don’t cry. Things are bound to improve. In the meantime, let’s talk about dependents. Do you have any children?

Wow! I hope they’re not all in college.

You’re having visitation problems on top of everything else? Gee, I can’t help you there. But you might try our Interactive Matrimonial Lawyer Software.

I hate lawyers too. But we’re really veering off track. Do you have any other dependents?

Sorry. You can’t deduct your dog, even if she’s your only friend.

I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let’s move on to income. What were your wages in 2008?

Wow! You’re having a bad go of it. But at least you’re getting the Unemployment Benefits max.

I’m afraid Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The government giveth and the government taketh away.

Hey, don’t blame me. I’m just the messenger. Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital gains?

Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side. If you don’t earn it, they can’t make you pay taxes on it.

Please don’t exit. It was just a joke. I don’t suppose you were able to sock anything away into an IRA.

I didn’t mean to insult you; I’m just doing my job. They make me ask about IRA’s and Keogh Plans too.

Okay, okay. I get the point. You’re broke. So let’s go over your deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund.

And speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed medical expenses.

That’s great — a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low that most of it will be deductible.

You’re absolutely right. I should have asked you how you’re feeling. That was inconsiderate of me. But in my defense, we’re really fighting the clock.

Okay, I apologize. Let’s move on to your state income taxes and real estate taxes.

Boy, they weren’t kidding about New York taxes. But that huge mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund.

You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame. But I thought you said you didn’t have any capital gains.

You sold it at a loss? So tell me. Are there any good housing buys out there? One of my other users is looking for a home.

You’re absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing to say. I’m a new program, and I guess they haven’t gotten all the bugs out.

Let’s go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage interest?

I’m afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software.

Don’t get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion. Anyway, it’s time to list your charitable contributions.

I know you can’t afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway. Everybody does it, and it’s impossible to check.

Good. Now I’m almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?

That’s pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers and I’ll take it from there.

Is there anything else you want to tell me?

Well, of course they canceled your policy. They always cancel your policy. But what I meant was, did you have any other income or expenses?

Fine. Now why don’t you rest for a second, so I can do some quick calculations.

I have good news. Not only don’t you have any tax debt, but you’re entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like to apply it to your 2009 tax?

I beg your pardon. They don’t pay me enough to listen to that kind of language.

David Buckner Passes Out Glenn Beck’s Show

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Apr 142009
 

A guest on Glenn Beck’s Fox News show passed out as the opening segment was coming to an end.

Beck and his guest, David Buckner, professor of organizational leadership at Columbia University program, were standing at a monitor talking about what is leading American companies to bankruptcy. Around 5:11pm, as they were getting to the final point, Buckner whispered to Beck, “I’m passing out.”

Beck asked Buckner if he wanted to “sit down.” As Beck took his hand, Buckner fell to the ground. The director then cut to a camera shot which showed Buckner on the studio floor, before going to break.

When he came back from the commercial, Beck, who called Buckner “a good friend,” said the professor “was ill, apparently, this morning and just got a little lightheaded, but he is fine and we have medical professionals on the way to the set, and he is up and alert and fine.”

“It’s a wild day here,” said Beck.

Read more…

Tea Parties: The Heartland Is Mad And They Aren’t Going To Take It Anymore

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Apr 132009
 

As April 15th approaches and Tax Day Tea Party Organizers go into last minute mode, it is becoming increasingly obvious there is a disconnected between DC and the heartland and this is reminiscent of Dan’s Bake Sale.

What is Dan’s Bake Sale you might ask? In 1993, a caller called into the Rush Limbaugh Show mentioning he was getting a Xerox’d copy of The Limbaugh Letter because his wife wouldn’t let him buy is own. You see, back then, there was a bake sale for everything and the great Rushbo suggest Dan host one of his own to buy the newsletter. As time went on, it became bigger and bigger and eventually was the conservatives version of Woodstock. 70,000 people flooded Fort Collins and Rush himself showed up.

Fast forward to today, and that same angst is out there about our country … if anything, it’s even worse. Thus, the Tea Party phenomenon is born. Wednesday, thousands will gather from NYC to Dallas/Fort Worth to small towns across the country. Organizers, in many cases, aren’t your typical political activists but the next door neighbor who doesn’t agree with federal bailouts and out of control spending. Many are even people who voted for Barack Obama who didn’t expect a dramatic shift from free market to socialist policies. Not the “change” they had in mind, as one caller told me.

Frankly, the heartland is mad and they aren’t going to take it anymore. Many Americans have grown fed up with DC and there is a growing divide between those inside the beltway with those of us in middle America. Groups like Let Freedom Ring USA are getting involved getting by telling everyone to text in and become part of the largest petition that will will be delivered to their Representatives, will plug into a new national network and receive issue alerts, and receive important alerts & news of critical meetings.

What these Tea Parties have become, In essence, is the new “Dan’s Bake Sale.” That, of course, isn’t making the lefties very happy at all. They don’t want anyone else being a “community organizers” and will do all they can to make sure they assist the main stream media in vandalizing it in the world of public opinion. As Greg Hengler pointed out Saturday, the lefties are mobilizing by having “citizen reporters” there ready to get some nut to say the wrong thing and take it out of context to fuel the MSM in their efforts to downplay this as a group of crackpots.

The Huffington Post has a different spin on this:

The Huffington Post is organizing “citizen journalists” to attend the protests, allegedly to “report.” Which means that they will try to find someone in a crowd who says something stupid, will post it on the internet, and build an argument around it trying to demonize the movement. And left-wing bloggers will react in unison like dogs responding to a whistle, about the “dangerous” and “violent” and “racist” tea parties. This tactic is as old as time; or at least as old as the internet.

While it is an old tactic, it is an easy one to do because the media really likes to be spoon fed instead of getting off their duffs and working.

These Tea Parties (I’ll be the emcee for the one in Fort Worth, TX) are a result of a groundswell of anxiety and people demanding to put their foot down and influence the course this country takes during Barack Obama’s four years as President. Anyone who dismisses this, including those on the right, do so at their own peril.

Source…

Joke Of The Day

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Apr 132009
 

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ‘You must be single.’

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.. she looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusualabout my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, ‘Cause you’re ugly.’

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