Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Farther O’Grady.
“Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news.” Replied Mary.
“Well what is it, Mary?”
“Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father.”
“Oh, Mary” said the father, “that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?”
“Well, yes he did father,” replied Mary.
“What did he ask, Mary?”
Mary replied, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun…'”
A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, “I’m President Obama and I hope you’ll vote for me this November.”
She laughed and quickly said, “I fell on my ass, not my head!”
An elderly couple, living apart, had been dating for several years. One day Elmer said to Betsy, “We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together.
Betsy: Whose house would we live in?
Elmer: Mine, it is already paid for.
Betsy: Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?
Elmer: Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine.
Betsy: Who would do the cooking?
Elmer: You cook and I’ll do the dishes.
Betsy: What about sex?
Elmer: Infrequently.
Betsy: Is that one word or two?