Alison Haislip has tickets to the gun show! And by gun show, we mean Oklahoma’s Full Auto Shoot and Trade Show where she must find the ultimate weapon to fire on a car filled with explosives.
Tag: Theo Spark
The One
And it came to pass in the Age of Insanity that the people of the land called America, having lost their morals, their initiative, and their will to defend their liberties, chose as their Supreme Leader that person known as The One. He emerged from the vapors with a message that had no meaning; but He hypnotized the people telling them :
“I am sent to save you. My lack of experience, my questionable ethics, my monstrous ego, and my association with evil doers are of no consequence. For I shall save you with Hope and Change. Go, therefore, and proclaim throughout the land that he who preceded me is evil, that he has defiled the nation, and that all he has built must be destroyed.”
And the people rejoiced. For even though they knew not what The One would do, He had promised that it was good; and they believed.
And The One said “We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change everything about it!”
And the people said, “Hallelujah!! Change is good!”
Then He said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,”—-
And the people said “Sock it to them!”
“—- And redistribute their wealth.”
And the people said, “Show us the money!”
And then He said, “Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody”
And Joe the plumber asked, “Are you kidding me? You’re going to steal my money and give it to the deadbeats??”And The One ridiculed and taunted him, and Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.
One lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?”
And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then a citizen asked, “With no foreign relations experience and having zero military experience or knowledge, how will you deal with radical terrorists?”
And The One said, “Simple. I shall sit with them and talk with them and show them how nice we really are; and they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!”
And the people said, “Hallelujah!! We are safe at last, and we can beat our weapons into free cars for the people!”
Then The One said, “I shall give 95% of you lower taxes.”
And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.”
So The One said, “Then I shall give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!”
And the people said, “Hallelujah!! Show us the money!”
Then The One said, “I shall tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!”
And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
And He said, “I shall mandate employer-funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage. And I shall give every person unlimited health care and medicine and transportation to the clinics.”
And the people said, “Gim’me some of that!”
Then he said, “I shall penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.”
And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”
Then The One said, “I shall bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!”
And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.”
So The One said, “Not to worry. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we shall bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!”
Then He said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bilingual signs and guaranteed housing…”
And the people said, “Hallelujah!!” And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever- higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy sank like unto a rock dropped from a cliff. The banking industry was destroyed. Manufacturing slowed to a crawl. And more of the people were without a means of support
Then The One said, “I am the The One – The Messiah – and I’m here to save you! We shall just print more money so everyone will have enough!”
But our foreign trading partners said unto Him, “Wait a minute. Your dollar is not worth a pile of camel dung! You will have to pay more…”
And the people said, “Wait a minute. That is unfair!!”
And the world said, “Neither are these other idiotic programs you have embraced. Lo, you have become a Socialist State and a second-rate power. Now you shall play by our rules!”
And the people cried out, “Alas, alas!! What have we done?”
But yea verily, it was too late. The people set upon The One and spat upon him and stoned him, and his name was dung. And the once mighty nation was no more; and the once proud people were without sustenance or shelter or hope. And the Change The One had given them was as like unto a poison that had destroyed them and like a whirlwind that consumed all that they had built.
And the people beat their chests in despair and cried out in anguish, “Give us back our nation and our pride and our hope!!”
But it was too late, and their homeland was no more.
You may think this is a fairy tale, but it’s not. It’s happening RIGHT NOW..
Pass this on.
Redneck Book of Manners
General Tips
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Dining Out
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs.
3. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table – no matter how good his manners are.
Personal Hygiene
2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (Outside The Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, “Ya sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.”
Theater Etiquette
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
6. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
What Happens to Penguins When They Die?
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?
Wonder no more.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: ‘Freeze A Jolly Good Fellow.’
Joke Of The Day
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.
What? said the puzzled groom.
How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?
Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he would look into it and get back with me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was … God I miss him.
But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited.
Wonderful, said the husband, but why?
To which she replied,Your with the GOVERNMENT. This time I know I’m gonna get SCREWED!