One day St. Peter visited Hell to make certain that the sinners were being adequately punished.
During his tour he noticed that Hitler was standing in feces up to his chin. Surprisingly, the Fuhrer was smiling.
“I don’t understand,” sad St. Peter. “How can you smile when you’ll be spending all of eternity in excrement?”
Hitler replied, “I’m smiling because I’m standing on Mussolini’s shoulders.”
Bill Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“‘It’s me, Bill Clinton.”
“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.
“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.
“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ‘sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Harry Reid died and went on to the Great Beyond.
As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Nevada.”
“The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter…and second, you really don’t know where you are at all, do you?”
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two brothers wearing Obama T-shirts arrived.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here. I will be right back.”
St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter: “How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. Everyone is loved. Everyone is a brother. Go back and let them in!”
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God’s chambers and says “Well, they’re gone.”
“The guys wearing Obama T-Shirts?” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates.”
