A truck driver frequently traveled through Washington, DC. Of course, there were always politicians walking along the road near the US Capitol Building. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian politicians with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the US Capitol Building, he spotted a politician walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the politician, but then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a “whump” and in the rear view mirror he spotted the politician rolling across the street.
He turned to the priest and said, “Father, I’m sure that I missed that politician.”
And the priest replied, “That’s OK, my son, I got him with the door.”
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’ When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next!’
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, “I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you protect the public.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A Politician came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, “I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man – you serve the people.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen more Politicians waiting for a haircut.
Father Joseph went up to Father Patrick one afternoon and said, “I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let’s you and me go out and party. We’ll carouse, drink, whatever we want.”
Patrick was shocked. “Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn’t, they would see our clothes and know we were priests.”
Joe was ready for this. “Don’t be silly. We won’t stay in town, we’ll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we’ll dress just like anyone else.”
In the end, he managed to persuade Patrick, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.
When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Patrick’s face became pale. “I just thought of something,” he said. “We have to confess this.”
Again, Joe was ready. “Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I’ll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I’ll absolve you.”
Patrick was amazed at Joe’s brilliance.
So Joseph went in later that morning and said, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we’re both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music.”
Patrick answered, “God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin.”
A while later, their places were reversed as Patrick came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered,
“I don’t believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest?
You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God’s forgiveness. Then come back and we’ll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees.”
“What? ” Father Patrick was shocked. “What about our agreement?”
Joe replied, “Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’
The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’
The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’
The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’
A truck driver frequently traveled through Washington, DC. Of course, there were always politicians walking along the road near the US Capitol Building. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian politicians with his truck as he sped by.