Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
OLE TEX. An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’
‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’
‘Who said my father’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it Than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my grandpa’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks,’you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’
‘No, grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married. Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
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You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians. Of course, this means you’ll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home. And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you’re at it. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore. Is this a great country or what? |
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
How do you like it here?” asked the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Said Abdullah.
Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” said grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone.”
Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents,” Abdullah said with a big smile.
“There’s a musician here – he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him Maestro!
There is a judge in here – he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honor.
There’s a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn’t fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor!
And Me – I haven’t had sex for 35 years, and they still call me The f**king Arab.