Jan 192016
Joke Of The Day: The Checkup
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Jan 052016
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An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a checkup.
The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room. After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he asks. “I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.” “How is your diet?” asks the doctor. “I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.” “Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor. “What?” replies the old lady. “Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?” The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?” The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!” |
Foods The Oldest People In The World Swear By
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Dec 192015
Live long and prosper… thanks to bacon!
This morning, we read that the oldest woman in the world, Susannah Mushatt Jones, age 116, eats four strips of bacon every morning. This, coupled with a June report that supercentenarian Agnes Fenton, age 110, credits her age to three bottles of Miller Light everyday made us realize thatwe might consider changing some things up. Maybe we should be eating less kale and quinoa and more whiskey and ice cream.
Here is what to eat and drink for longevity, according to the oldest people in the world:
Four strips of bacon every morning, and Doublemint gum throughout the day — Suannah Mushatt Jones, Age 116
Three bottles of Miller High Life and a shot of Johnnie Walker whiskey everyday — Agnes Fenton, Age 110
One tablespoon of whiskey in morning coffee — Richard Overton, Age 108
Crispy bacon, fried chicken, and ice cream — Gertrude Baines, Age 115
Three raw eggs every morning — Emma Morano, Age 115 (who added that staying single is good for one’s health)
Chewing on chocolate — Leandra Becerra Lumbreras, Age 127—the oldest person to ever live (she also swears by never marrying)
Dec 102015
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
I don’t have gray hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights.’ I am very wise.
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid…but it can muffle the sound.
I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back ‘no’ which is shorter than yes.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet…
Old age is coming at a really bad time. I’m not young enough for it.
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
When did it change from “We the people” to “Screw the people?”
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
At my age, ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering why I went in there.
Dec 062015
Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”
Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
“If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you’d look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over
there instead of you.”
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”
I said, “Yesterday.”
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, “Good legs.”
The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”
I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now.”
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?