Old Age Archives - Page 39 of 73 - Common Sense Evaluation

Old Age

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Dec 102015

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

I don’t have gray hair. I have ‘wisdom highlights.’ I am very wise.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid…but it can muffle the sound.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.

The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back ‘no’ which is shorter than yes.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks.

The biggest lie I tell myself is…”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet…

Old age is coming at a really bad time. I’m not young enough for it.

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

When did it change from “We the people” to “Screw the people?”

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

At my age, ‘Getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering why I went in there.

When You’re Over Seventy, Who Gives A Crap?

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Dec 062015

Cowboy: “Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.”

Cashier: “Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”

Cowboy: “Nah… She’s purty good lookin’…..”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

“If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your

hair cut, you’d look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over

there instead of you.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess

what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.

“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose

patience and said, “Come on, what day was I born?”

I said, “Yesterday.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing

on a table. I said, “Good legs.”

The girl giggled and said, “Do you really think so.”

I said, “Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed

by now.”

When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

Joke Of The Day: Our Oldest Member

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Nov 112015

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.” So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.

“Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.

“I don’t know how long I was asleep when I suddenly was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:

“RRROOAARRR!!!

“I tell you, I just soiled myself!”

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have soiled myself too if a lion jumped out at me.”

The old man shook his head and said, “No, no, not back then. I soiled myself just now, when I said ‘RRROOAAARRR!!!’ Could one of you help me out please?”

“Over 60” Questions

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Nov 042015

Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement or shed; when you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore — under fiction.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, make sure you’re not wearing your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually only in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Hey! I remember these!”

Q: What is a 60+ year old’s most frequent thought when going from one room to another?
A: “What did I come here for?”

Q: What is the most effective form of birth control for people 60 and over?
A: Nudity.

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