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A rabbi was called to a Miami Beach Nursing Home to perform a wedding.
An anxious old man met him at the door. The rabbi sat down to counsel the old man and asked several questions. “Do you love her?” The old man replied, “I guess.” “Is she a good Jewish woman?” “I don’t know for sure,” the old man answered. “Does she have lots of money?” asked the rabbi. “I doubt it.” “Then why are you marrying her?” the rabbi asked. “She can drive at night,” the old man said
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Feed Store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, rip my panties off and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens..
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An old man asks his wife: “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.” Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?” Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge.” “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” “Alright,” Martha said. “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?” Henry fainted…
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand… nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand… nothing. Her left hand… nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth… still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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