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Tag: Navy
How To Simulate Life In The Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the
walls.
3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it
out, clean up, and paint the basement “deck gray.”
4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the
scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay
$10 per beer until you’re hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.
5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.
6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to
200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On
Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too
much water during the week, so all showering is secured.
7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.
8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a
whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout “Reveille,
Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up”.
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and
read it to you.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight,
then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign
On the door that reads “Secured-contact OA division at X-3053.”
11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it’s OK for you
to leave your house before 3pm.
12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up
all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6
months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family
through the front window of your home…you can’t leave until the next
day you have duty.
13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.
14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home
(i.e., Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc).
15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15
minutes.
16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This
is to ensure your engine is properly “lighted off.”
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3
times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your
brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trashcans over the
fantail)
18. Repaint your entire house once a month.
19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning
you can get your hands on.
20. Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each
pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.
21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.
22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN
and the Weather Channel.
23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the
middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch
and then show a different one.
24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.
25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it “world
travel.”
27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.
28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead
bodies of your coworkers.
29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have
gone to bed.
30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone,
and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and
order them to man their battle stations. (“General quarters, general
quarters, all hands man your battle stations”)
31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking
the pantry and refrigerator.
32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an
hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of
steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don’t
pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.
33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the
oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.
34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway.
Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.
35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you’re going to take them to
Disneyland for “weekend liberty.” When the end of the 6th week rolls
around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that
they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be
another week before they can leave the house.
36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your
not-so-closest friend (cite par. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through
PMS!
37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble
“Sorry, wrong rack.”
38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make
sure you shut off the water while you soap down.
39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair
and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of
stale crackers in your shirt pocket.
40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living
room eight hours a day.
42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.
44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint
sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors
car. Ignore his complaints.
45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.
46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage
on the other side of your bathtub.
47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread.
48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and
get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top
button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back
together again.
50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under
it and read books.
51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through one of them.
52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout “Man overboard,
starboard side” Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and
dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the
kitchen “stowed for sea.”
53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don’t plug them in.
Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your
stove. Say … to no one in particular “Stove manned and ready” Stand
there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular
“stove secured.” Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a
box.
The Philadelphia Experiment
Almost everyone has heard of the Philadelphia Experiment, although the number of people who actually have any idea as to what it was all about are nowhere near as numerous. The Experiment seems to fall into the same realm as the Kennedy Assassination; clouded by rumor and supposition, the exact truth of either incident will probably never be known. Both events are also plagued by a mass of incorrect or inaccurate information. Conspiracy buffs are more than happy to create wild, intricate plots involving virtually anyone and everyone on the planet (and in the case of the Philadelphia Experiment, off the planet).
THE FACTS AS WE KNOW THEM
On August 12, 1943 (or October 28, 1943 – accounts differ) the US Navy conducted a test of some sort on the USS Eldridge (DE [Destroyer Escort] 173) at the Philadelphia Navy Yard. The exact nature of this test is open to speculation. Possible tests include experiments in magnetic invisibility, radar invisibility, optical invisibility or degaussing (rendering the ship immune to magnetic mines). The test (or tests) were conducted, only to produce undesirable results. Afterwards, the project (supposedly called ‘Project Rainbow‘) was canceled.
As one can easily see, the actual facts are scanty. The Navy denies that any sort of experiment ever took place, and the ship’s logs show that the USS Eldridge was nowhere near Philadelphia at the time the test was supposed to take place. Of course, logs can be faked, and the government and military has lied before about certain events in the interests of secrecy and national security (witness the Manhattan Project). On the other hand, research has shown no evidence of a “Project Rainbow“, although there was a code name “Rainbow“; it was used to designate the Allied plans to combat the Axis in World War II and had nothing to do with any form of experimental technology. As a final note, it should be pointed out that even some basic research (the World Wide Web is loaded with relevant sites) will show that the entire ‘experiment’ may in fact be a massive hoax, a modern urban legend that has grown to fantastic proportions over time. Such sensationalistic writing has been successful in creating such similar epic myths before, with the “Bermuda Triangle” a prime example.
THE SUPPOSED ‘TRUE STORY’ OF
THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT
According to certain accounts, the actual results of the experiment involve occurrences far stranger than anyone could possibly imagine. The tests being conducted were an attempt to render a ship invisible to enemy radar. This was to be accomplished by wrapping an electromagnetic ‘bottle’ around the ship in question, absorbing or deflecting radar waves. The bottle was created by two (or four – accounts differ) massive Tesla coils which acted as electromagnetic generators; one was mounted forward and one was mounted aft. Other accounts state that a series of magnetic generators, called degaussers, were used. When activated, the electromagnetic field would extend out from the ship and divert radar waves around the ship, making the Eldridge invisible to radar receivers.
U.S.S. Eldridge at sea April 25th, 1944
When the actual test was put into motion, a number of unexpected and bizarre side effects occurred. As the electromagnetic field increased in strength, it began to extend as far as 100 yards out from the ship in all directions, forming a large sphere. Within this field, the ship became fuzzy and indistinct, and a greenish haze formed around the vessel, obscuring it from view. Eventually, the only visible object was the outline of the hull of the Eldridge where it entered the water. Then, to the amazement of onlookers, the entire ship vanished from view.
It was at this point (the vanishing of the Eldridge) that the true power of the electromagnetic field that had been created was revealed. The Eldridge had not only vanished from the view of observers in Philadelphia, it had vanished from Philadelphia all together! The ship had been instantly transported several hundred miles – from Philadelphia to Norfolk, Virginia. After a few minutes, the ship once again vanished, to return to Philadelphia.
To the Navy, the test had succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. Not only had they rendered a ship invisible to radar, they had made it optically invisible as well, not to mention causing the vessel to teleport hundreds of miles in a matter of minutes. For the crew, however, the trip had been a nightmare.
The test had managed to render the entire ship ‘out of phase’ with the surrounding universe, which is why it was able to travel from Philadelphia to Norfolk instantly. This phasing effect had drastic effects on the crew members. During the experiment, crew members found they could walk through solid objects, and when the field was shut off, men were found embedded in the bulkheads, decks and railings of the ship. The results were gruesome enough that some men went mad. Afterwards, several crew members simply vanished. A few disappeared into thin air; one, eating dinner with his family, rose, walked through a wall and was never seen again. Some men entered into what was called the ‘Freeze’. This is where a man faded from view; unable to move, speak or otherwise affect his surroundings. Initially, the Freeze effect lasted only a few minutes to a few hours. Interestingly enough, invisible crewmen were still visible to other sailors who had survived the original experiment. After a while, the Freeze effect lasted for days or months, and became known as the ‘Deep Freeze‘ (other terms include ‘Caught in the Flow’, ‘Caught in the Push’, ‘Get Stuck’, ‘Go Blank’, ‘Hell Incorporated’ or ‘Stuck in Molasses’). The Deep Freeze could drive a man insane in very short order, and was only able to be counteracted if other crewmen performed a ‘Laying on of Hands’ technique to give the victim strength and allow him to recover from his affliction. Unfortunately, two men burst into flames while Laying on of Hands, burning for 18 days despite all attempts to quench the fire.
Seeing the horrible after effects of the experiment, the Navy discontinued all further research into radar and optical invisibility. The surviving crewmen were discharged as mentally unfit for duty and many were placed in insane asylums. However, science was not quite done conducting research on electromagnetic fields or radar and its affects on the human mind. Project Rainbow may have been disbanded, but the Phoenix Project was just getting started.
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