Joke Of The Day: Last Hours

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Sep 242014
 
Rubber Chicken A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live.

“That’s terrible!” said her husband, “What would you like to do during your last hours? I’ll try to make it as memorable as possible for you.”

“Well,” she said, “First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!”

“Gee, Honey.” said her husband, “I don’t know about that ‘all night long’ stuff. After all, I’m gonna have to get up in the morning and you won’t.”

 

 

The Male’s Stages Of Life

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Sep 212014
 

Drinking
17 – beer
25 – imported beer
35 – vodka
48 – scotch
66 – Maalox

Seduction Line
17 – My parents are away for the weekend.
25 – My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 – My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 – My wife is away for the weekend.
66 – My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport
17 – sex
25 – sex
35 – sex
48 – sex
66 – napping

Drug
17 – pot
25 – coke
35 – money
48 – power
66 – Viagra

Definition of a Successful Date
17 – “tongue”
25 – “breakfast”
35 – “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 – “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 – “Got home alive.”

Favorite Fantasy
17 – getting to third
25 – airplane sex
35 – menage a trois
48 – taking the company public
66 – Swiss maid

House Pet
17 – roaches
25 – stoned-out college roommate
35 – black lab
48 – children from his first marriage
66 – dust bunnies

What’s the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 – 25
25 – 35
35 – 48
48 – 66
66 – 17

Ideal Date
17 – Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 – “Split the check before we go back to my place.”
35 – “Just come over.”
48 – “Just come over and cook.”
66 – “Come over and watch Star Trek re-runs.”

 

Joke Of The Day: The Art Of Presentation

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Sep 192014
 
Rubber Chicken Two Wives chatting in office:

Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

Wife 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins.

How was yours?

Wife 1: Oh mine was amazing!

My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour.

When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep.

And what about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill. So I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn’t have money left for a cab or auto.

We walked home which took an hour & when we got home, I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house.

MORAL: PRESENTATION DOES MATTER…
NO MATTER WHAT THE REALITY IS

 

 

Joke Of The Day: The Signature

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Sep 172014
 
Rubber Chicken Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

“So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”

Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”

 

 

Definitions By Gender

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Sep 142014
 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n

Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

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