Joke Of The Day: The Signature

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Sep 172014
 
Rubber Chicken Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X’s.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)…you get the idea.

One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

“So vat’s the problem?” Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. “Perhaps nothing,” he said, “but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X’s, but your signature of record has just 2.”

Greenberg looked embarrassed. “I’m sorry about making trouble,” he said, “but my vife said that since I’m now such a high-class rich guy, I should have a middle name!”

 

 

Definitions By Gender

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Sep 142014
 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

 

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

 

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n

Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

Joke Of The Day: The Angry Wife

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Sep 122014
 
Rubber Chicken An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.

“What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff !”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: What Happened?

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Sep 112014
 
Rubber Chicken An old couple was preparing for bed while on their honeymoon. When the man took his socks off, his bride noticed he only had two or three toes.

“Oh goodness,” she said, “what happened to your feet?”

“I had Tolio,” he replied.

“You mean Polio?” she asked.

“No, Tolio,” he said.

Next he removed his pants and she saw that his knees were bent backwards.

“Wow! What happened to your knees?” she asked.

“I had Knee Coli,” he answered.

“E. Coli?” asked the wife.

“No,” he replied, “Knee Coli.”

Finally, he removed his underwear.

“Oh, let me guess,” she said, “Smallcox?”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: A Single Roll Of The Dice

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Sep 062014
 
Rubber Chicken An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but…. all men… are men!