A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture.
“I don’t know what you’ve brought in,” she said, “but I can’t seem to get this out.”
He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me “If you ever come close to me, I’ll skin you alive. When we’re sleeping, you don’t touch me. You hear me? Don’t ever talk to me, either.”
“Great.” I thought, “First day in here and I’m already married.”
In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. “$10 for three minutes,” replied the pilot.
“That is too much,” said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I will make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for three minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. However, if you make a sound, you will have to pay $10.”
The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”
“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “but I have to tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
