When James Bond died, he went to heaven, and St Peter asked “What’s your name?”
“Bond, James Bond.”
“Everybody says that, I’m going you a test, and if you pass you can get it. Go into that room full of people and bring me Adam.”
After a few minutes, James Bond comes out of the room with Adam.
St Peter asks “How did you do it?”
Bond replies “It was easy, he was the only one without a belly button.”
St Peter asks Adam to go back inside and asks everybody to cover their stomachs. He dares James Bond to try again. And he did after five minutes.
St Peter asks “How did you do it this time?”
Bond replies “It was easy, he was the only one missing a rib.”
St Peter dares him again, and asks everybody to dress the same. And after 10 minutes, there were noises, people shouting and insults… finally James Bond came out with Adam once more.
St Peter say “I can’t believe it, you really are James Bond, but tell me, how did you do it?”
Bond says “It was easy, I started to tell Yo Mama jokes, and he was the only one that didn’t get offended.”
Having arrived at Heaven’s Gates, Barack Hussein Obama meets a bearded man. ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he asks.
‘No, my son; I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up…’ Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted Mohammed should be higher than Peter, Obama climbs the ladder in great strides; through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man . He asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’
‘No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still ..’
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he climbs the ladder yet again; discovering an even larger room where he meets another bearded man. Full of hope, he asks again, ‘Are you Mohammed?’
‘ No, I am Jesus . . . You will find Mohammed higher up .’
Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question: ‘Are you Mohammed?’ he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
‘No, my son . . . . I am Almighty God. But, you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?’
‘Yes! Please, my Lord.’
God looks behind him, claps his hands and yells out: ‘Yo, Mohammed – – two coffees!’
When Jimmy was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Jimmy to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?”
“NO!” Jimmy answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, the answer was, “NO!”
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?”
Again, Jimmy answered, “NO!”
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”
A very confident young Jimmy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom.” The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, church pastor for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”
“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”
“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed!”
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?”
And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control, so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
When James Bond died, he went to heaven, and St Peter asked “What’s your name?”