Joke Of The Day: Good News, Bad News

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Dec 232018
 
Joke Of The Day: Good News, Bad News God called down to Moses and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

Moses replied, “Most merciful God, if I have brought you any favor, please give me the good news first.”

“Moses, the good news is that I’ve chosen you to deliver my people from bondage,” God answered. “I will force Pharaoh to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh’s armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape.”

“And the bad news?” Moses inquired.

“You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement,” God replied.

 

 

 

 

If God Was A Woman

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Nov 082018
 

If God Was A Woman

If God Was a Woman

1. Sex would smell like chocolate.

2. Farts would smell like roses.

3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.

4. Babies would come from vending machines.

5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.

6. All women would have the same size breasts.

7. There would be no cellulite.

8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

9. Men would be born with an “OFF” switch.

10. There would be no “Hooters”.

11. A man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!

13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.

15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.

16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.

17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: One Day In Heaven

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Apr 112018
 
Joke Of The Day: One Day In Heaven A man dies and goes to heaven. The next thing he knows he’s standing next to the Lord Himself, so he asks, “God, why is it you made women so beautiful?”

God replies, “So that you would love them.”

The man goes on and asks, “Another question, Lord. Why did you make them smell so good?”

God replies, “So that you would love them.”

Then the guy says, “Just one more question, my Lord… Why in the name of all that’s holy did you make them so stupid?”

God replies, “So that they would love you!”

 

 

 

 

Joke Of The Day: God And The Scientist

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Feb 082018
 
Joke Of The Day: God And The Scientist One day a group of scientists united and decided that man had come a long way, and no longer needed God. They picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and informed him that, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need You. We’re to the point that we can clone people, and do many miraculous things, so why don’t You just go on and get lost.”

God listened patiently and kindly to the scientist and, after the man was done talking, God answered, “Very well! How about this? Let’s have a man-making contest.”

The man replied, “OK, great!”

But God added, “Now we’re going to do this just like I did, back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist replied, “Sure, no problem,” and bent down to grab himself a handful of dirt.

God just looked at him and remarked, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt! I CREATED that dirt!”

 

 

 

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