Tag: God

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: A Near Death Experience

Joke Of The Day: A Near Death Experience A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God said, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “Sorry about that, I just didn’t recognize you!”

 

 

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Good News, Bad News

Joke Of The Day: Good News, Bad News God called down to Moses and said, “I’ve got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?”

Moses replied, “Most merciful God, if I have brought you any favor, please give me the good news first.”

“Moses, the good news is that I’ve chosen you to deliver my people from bondage,” God answered. “I will force Pharaoh to release my children by causing years of pestilence in Egypt. There will be plagues of locusts and frogs and incredible devastation upon the land. Pharaoh’s armies will chase you as you try to leave, but do not fear because I will part the waters of the Red Sea to aid in your escape.”

“And the bad news?” Moses inquired.

“You have to prepare the Environmental Impact Statement,” God replied.

 

 

 

 

Jokes

If God Was A Woman

If God Was A Woman

If God Was a Woman

1. Sex would smell like chocolate.

2. Farts would smell like roses.

3. Dogs would smell spring fresh.

4. Babies would come from vending machines.

5. Men would be born with a permanent erection.

6. All women would have the same size breasts.

7. There would be no cellulite.

8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.

9. Men would be born with an “OFF” switch.

10. There would be no “Hooters”.

11. A man’s paycheck would be made payable to his wife.

12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in Hawaii!

13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle.

14. Men would come with software to be custom designed.

15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.

16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.

17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the difference between six inches and three inches.

18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the cheek.

20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.

 

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: One Day In Heaven

Joke Of The Day: One Day In Heaven A man dies and goes to heaven. The next thing he knows he’s standing next to the Lord Himself, so he asks, “God, why is it you made women so beautiful?”

God replies, “So that you would love them.”

The man goes on and asks, “Another question, Lord. Why did you make them smell so good?”

God replies, “So that you would love them.”

Then the guy says, “Just one more question, my Lord… Why in the name of all that’s holy did you make them so stupid?”

God replies, “So that they would love you!”

 

 

 

 

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