What if God Had Voice Mail

 Amusing  Comments Off on What if God Had Voice Mail
Apr 102011
 

We have all learned to live with “voice mail” as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered what would happen if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

I’m sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, Press 1
Jesus, Press 2
The Holy Spirit, Press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, please press 4.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her social security number, and then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 666.)

For reservations at “My Father’s House,” please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah’s ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.

Thank God He doesn’t have voice mail and that He listens when we pray!

Joke Of The Day

 Jokes  Comments Off on Joke Of The Day
Mar 242011
 

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising.

One door they came to, the man said “GOD will save me”.

The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everything to the second floor of his house.

A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said “GOD will save me”.

Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house.

A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said “GOD will save me”.

It wasn’t long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven.

He confronted God with “Why didn’t you save me, GOD?”

And God said ” I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?”

Joke Of The Day

 Jokes  Comments Off on Joke Of The Day
Mar 062011
 

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
tells Ford, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your invention,
the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.”

Ford thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God,
himself.” The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to the
Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, “Hey,
aren’t you the inventor of Woman?” God says, “Ah, yes.” “Well,”
says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:

l. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.”

“Hmmm..” replies God, “hold on.” God goes to the Celestial
Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. “It may
be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Henry Ford, “but
according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Joke Of The Day

 Jokes  Comments Off on Joke Of The Day
Mar 032011
 

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?” And a great voice was heard from above …

“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME.”

God and Adam

 Amusing  Comments Off on God and Adam
Jan 212011
 

God said, ‘Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.’

Adam said, ‘Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?’

God said, ‘Go down
Into that valley.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Valley?’

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,

‘Cross the river.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a River?’

God explained that
To him, and then said,
‘Go over to the hill….’

Adam said, ‘What is a
Hill?’

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, ‘On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a
Cave?’

After God explained,
He said, ‘In the cave
You will find a woman.’

Adam said, ‘What’s a Woman?’

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said,
‘I Want you to
Reproduce.’

Adam said, ‘How do
I do that?’

God first said (under
His breath), ‘Geez…..’

And then, just like Everything else,
God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, ‘What is it
Now?’

And Adam said….

‘What’s a headache?’

 Older Entries  Newer Entries