Joke Of The Day: How Things Work At The Pearly Gates

Rubber Chicken An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the old man, “I’ll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry.”

The old man begins, “I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs.”

“That’s good,” says St. Peter. “I’ll give you 3 points.”

“Oh,” says the man. “This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully.”

“Fine,” says St. Peter, “That will be another 2 points.”

“Just 2 points?” says the old man. “All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them.”

“Great!” says St. Peter. “Another 3 points for you!”

“Only three points!” says the man. “At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place.”

“Bingo!” says St. Peter. “That’s a hundred points! Come on in.”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Evolution

Rubber Chicken One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. He just doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time!).

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one!

 

 

Joke Of The Day: The Oldest Excuse Ever!

Rubber Chicken God talks to Adam

God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.” …

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?”

God said, “Go down into that valley.”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.

Then God said, “Cross the river.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?”

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill….”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too. Then God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…..”

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said… “What’s a headache?”

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Zebra Goes To Heaven

Rubber Chicken A Zebra died and went to heaven. At the Gate he asked St. Peter if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes.

St. Peter told him, “You are what you are.”

Well that didn’t tell him anything so St. Peter told him to ask God when he saw him. So when he saw God he asked him if he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes and God told him, “You are what you are.”

The next time he saw St. Peter, St Peter asked him what God had said and he told him God had said, “You are what you are.”

So St. Peter said, “Well, you’re a white zebra with black stripes.

The zebra asked, “How do you figure that?” and St. Peter said, “If you had been a black zebra with white stripes God would have said, “You is what you is.”

 

 

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