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Joke Of The Day

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Aug 232010

A man who wanted a dog to protect his business, visited a kennel that specialised in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog, snarling loudly, and biting and clawing at the cage.

“He looks like he´d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer.

“Well, he´s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have a different one in mind for you.”

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

“Ah,” said the buyer. “This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.”

“Well, no.” said the owner. “I have something better in mind for you.”

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a large dog, panting heavily and lying quietly on his side, licking his asshole. He seemed unaware of the men´s approach.

“This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. “You´re joking!” he exclaimed. “This dog is tame compared to the others; he doesn´t even act like an attack dog.”

“I know he appears tame now,” said the owner. “But you see, he just ate an Politician, and he´s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”

A man was stranded on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. He spent many many nights thinking of his wife and how much he missed her. Months go by with no luck of rescue and amongst all other things, being without “companionship” grew harder and harder. Well, one night, as the man was sitting by his campfire with the dog and the sheep, he looked over at the sheep and could see a small twinkle in its eyes. Thinking to himself, “Well, I’m stranded on a desert island and nobody would know” he began to make his move. The dog immediately growled and attacked and would not let the man near the sheep.

Another month goes by. The man is now fighting off temptation. One night, he tries again. The dog gave the same response.

The very next day, Nanci Pelosi’s plane crashes on the desert island and all of the crew is killed but Mrs. Pelosi is the sole survivor. After many weeks, she begins to feel the same feelings of “lack of companionship”. One night, by the campfire, she throws herself at the man. She tells him, “I am so lonely and will do ANYTHING you want, ANYTHING!” She begins rubbing his shoulders while he ponders in thought. After a moment of thinking, he looks up at her and says, “Anything?” and she replies, “Yes. Anything. I will make your wildest dreams come true”.

The man looked into her eyes and said, “Can you take the dog for a walk?”

Joke Of The Day

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Aug 122010

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis the man asks for a second opinion.

The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

“There” says the vet,” Your hamster is dead”.

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it’s head.

“It’s definitely dead sir”, says the vet.

Convinced, the man enquires how much he owes. “That will be $1,000, please”.

“$1,000 just to tell me my hamster is dead” fumes the man.

“Well”, says the vet, “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan”.

The Truth Cats vs Dogs.

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Aug 102010

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They’re totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They’re moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

Dogs and Men

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Jul 272010

How Dogs and Men Are Alike

1. Both keep moving, even when they are lost.
2. Both take up too much space on the bed.
3. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
4. Both are threatened by their own kind
5. Neither understands what people see in cats.
6. Both want dominance.
7. Both do the dishes by licking them clean.
8. Both chase cars.
9. The larger ones tend to drool.
10. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs don’t have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what “NO!” means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play “fetch,” they don’t laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren’t allowed to come inside.
10. Dogs are less likely to hump your leg.

How Dogs are Better Than Women

1. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
2. Dogs don’t hate their bodies.
3. Dogs don’t criticize.
4. Dogs never expect gifts.
5. Dogs don’t want to know about every other dog you’ve ever had.
6. Dogs don’t let a magazine article guide their lives.
7. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
8. The later you are coming home, the more excited they are to see you.
9. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
10. A dog’s parents never visit.

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