A man had been to the doctor’s and when he returned home, his wife noticed he looked depressed.
She asked, “Hey, what’s the problem? What did the Doctor say?”
He answered, “Dr. Mathews told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.”
She commented, “That’s not a big deal. Lots of people take medicine every day of their lives.”
He said in an irritated tone, “I know, I know…. but he only gave me five pills!”
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The fourth one said, “I like to operate on politicians. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable.”
OLE TEX. An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’
‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’
‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’
‘Who said my father’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’
‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it Than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said my grandpa’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks,’you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’
‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’
‘No, grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married. Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
Jeremy answers a knock at the door late one night. He opens the door to find a seven-foot tall centipede at the doorstep.
Without a warning, the centipede kicks him on the chest and walks away. The following night, he finds the same centipede back again at his front door. This time the centipede kicks him between the legs and runs away.
Jeremy is in pain and somehow manages to climb his bed and go to sleep.
He goes to see a doctor next morning. The doctor asks what happened and, Jeremy narrates the happenings of the previous 2 nights.
“Ah” says the doc. “There is a nasty bug going around.”
