Joke Of The Day: Northwest Hell

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Jul 152017
 
Joke Of The Day: Northwest Hell A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.

‘Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,’ he said.’ I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’

‘Ah, those…’ Satan said with a groan.’ They’re all from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!’

 

 

 

Jul 142017
 

Peter W. Smith Committed Suicide After Telling The Press Of His Efforts To Get Hillary Clinton’s Missing Emails

Investigator Of Clinton Scandals Found Dead With Bag Over Head

Peter W. Smith, 81, was found dead just 10 days after he admitted to trying to get Hillary Clinton’s missing emails from Russian hackers. He left a note behind in all caps saying there was “NO FOUL PLAY” involved. His death has now become the subject of quite a few conspiracies, from both the Clinton side and the Trump side.

Smith supposedly made remarks in emails apparently considering former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn an ally, which information some on the left tried to use to attach Flynn to the emails.

After Smith talked to the Wall Street Journal about how he was trying to get Hillary Clinton’s missing emails from Russia hackers, he was found dead just 10 days later, on May 14. The stories were published in late June. The reporter said at the time that he believed Smith died of natural causes and wasn’t killed. But the Chicago Tribune learned from a death record that Smith had committed suicide.

Smith was found with a bag tied over his head, attached to a helium source. A funeral home employee said they saw a helium tank in his room. The employee told The Chicago Tribune that it was about the size of a propane tank.

Smith was found in a hotel near the Mayo Clinic on Sunday, May 14. The cause of death was listed as: “asphyxiation due to displacement of oxygen in confined space with helium.” The Rochester Police Chief had said the cause of death was “unusual,” according to The Chicago Tribune. But others said the method was fairly well known.

Police found a note left behind by Smith, written in all caps, The Chicago Tribune reported. The note included the following:

NO FOUL PLAY WHATSOEVER…

RECENT BAD TURN IN HEALTH SINCE JANUARY, 2017…

LIFE INSURANCE OF $5 MILLION EXPIRING.

From the Chicago Tribune:

Republican donor and operative from Chicago’s North Shore who said he had tried to obtain Hillary Clinton’s missing emails from Russian hackers killed himself in a Minnesota hotel room days after talking to The Wall Street Journal about his efforts, public records show.

In a room at a Rochester hotel used almost exclusively by Mayo Clinic patients and relatives, Peter W. Smith, 81, left a carefully prepared file of documents, which includes a statement police called a suicide note in which he said he was in ill health and a life insurance policy was expiring.

Clinton Crime Family

 
 

The Purina Diet

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Jul 142017
 
The Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog (duh?).

What did she think I had – an elephant?

On impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 
 

The Toothpaste Pregnancy Test

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Jul 142017
 

The toothpaste pregnancy test

The Toothpaste Pregnancy Test

Did you know you can use toothpaste to determine if you’re pregnant?

Here are the five simple steps:

  1. Open the toothpaste.
  2. Draw 9 dots on the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste.
  3. After each month, wipe one of the dots away.
  4. When there are no more dots left on the mirror, look around the room.
  5. If there is a baby there, congratulations, the test is positive. If there isn’t, try again next time.