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Q: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A: He worked it out with a pencil and paper. |
Jun 162015
Jun 152015
Words For Teenagers
Information, Inspiration
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Jun 152015
Always we hear the plaintive cry of the teen-ager. What can we do? … Where can we go?
The answer is GO HOME!
Hang the storm windows, paint the woodwork. Rake the leaves, mow the lawn, shovel the walk. Wash the car, learn to cook, scrub some floors. Repair the sink, build a boat, get a job.
Help the minister, priest, or rabbi, the Red Cross, the Salvation Army. Visit the sick, assist the poor, study your lessons. And then when you are through — and not too tired — read a book.
Your parents do not owe you entertainment. Your city or village does not owe you recreational activities.
The world does not owe you a living… You owe the world something.
You owe it your time and your energy and your talents so that no one will be at war or in poverty or sick or lonely again.
Grow up; quit being a crybaby. Get out of your dream world and develop a backbone, not a wishbone, and start acting like a man or a lady.
You’re supposed to be mature enough to accept some of the responsibility your parents have carried for years.
They have nursed, protected, helped, appealed, begged, excused, tolerated and denied themselves needed comforts so that you could have every benefit. This they have done gladly, for you are their dearest treasure.
But now, you have no right to expect them to bow to every whim and fancy just because selfish ego instead of common sense dominates your personality, thinking and request.
In Heaven’s name, grow up and go home!
What’s Under The Great Pyramids?
Funny
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Jun 152015
Jun 152015
When you think of it, there are only two things people need. You got to have sex. You got to have food. That’s it. You don’t need clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it’s sex and food. But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a Republican.
Somebody said, “All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week, that’s it.” But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your friends to watch: “Hey, Chuck, why don’t you come over on Sunday? We’re going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids, we’ll have a hell of a time.”
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they’d yell out “Oh yeah? Well, food you. Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper.” Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. “Oh my goodness. It’s a pepperoni.”
Locker room talk would change. “Hey, man, how’d you do this weekend?”
“Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut.”
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states. Supermarkets would check I.D.’s and charge admission to the poultry section. Frederick’s of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues. “All right, put down your meat. Just back away from the buns, mister.”
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
You’d be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons. “Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?”
Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or they’ll go blind.
Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating.