Joke Of The Day

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May 172011
 

A rather large lady had saved her money for a long time to be able to afford a cruise on a ship to the Bahama’s.

When she gets settled in her cabin she goes to the dining room for her first meal on board, and is invited to sit at the Captain’s table.

As she is seated at the table a mimmicking voice behind her loudly squawks, “Aawwk, Lady! How’s your hole?”

Totally embarrassed, she turns to see a parrot on his perch behind her. She says to the steward, “Will you “Please” get rid of that foul mouthed beast?”

The steward replies, “I can’t madam, that is the Captains parrot, which he dearly loves.”

As the meal progresses to its end the bird continues to harrass the lady with his loud squawks, “Aawwk, Lady! How’s your hole?”

The embarrassed woman finally retires to her cabin and goes into a restless sleep.

In the middle of the night the ship sinks rather suddenly and the lady finds herself floating in the ocean on a chest. As daylight breaks the next morning the lady hears this loud squawk behind her, “Aawwk, Lady! How’s your Hole?”

The lady turns around to see the parrot floating on some debris and she replies, “Aah, Shut Up!”

The parrot says, “Aawwk, Mine too! Must be the salt water!”

The Gun That Killed Osama bin Laden

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May 162011
 

The biggest secret in the special operations community—what gun did SEALs from “DevGru” kill Osama bin Laden with—has been revealed. Two military gear blogs, citing multiple insider sources, credit the highly reliable HK416 rifle, an M-16 type weapon, with the “double tap” of 5.56 mm bullets to bin Laden’s head.

While the military isn’t talking about what SEALs from United States Naval Special Warfare Development Group, formerly SEAL Team Six, carried in, two sites—Military Times Gear Scout and Soldier Systems—said the gun used was the German made, Delta Force designed Heckler & Koch rifle used by several militaries.

“I’ve just heard from a SOCOM vet,” says Military Times “He tells me the stack of SEAL assaulters from Red team that went through Osama bin Laden’s bedroom door were running HK416s.”

Soldier Systems adds that bin Laden “was gunned down using German engineering – the HK416 which was my gut feeling from the very beginning.”

A Whispers source close to the SEAL community said that the reports are “kosher for sure.” He adds that it’s likely the commandos had a collection of different weapons and might have also been carrying a rifle with a shorter barrel.

HK, which didn’t have any immediate comment, describes the gun on its website as the perfect SEAL weapon: it shoots an effective 5.56 mm round, has a gas system that doesn’t foul the weapon like some other rifles, can shoot 20,000 rounds with “minimal degradation of accuracy,” and fires just fine after being submerged in water and not completely drained.

Source…

George Washington’s Beer Recipe

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May 162011
 

George Washington was a lot of things — general, statesman, farmer — but at the end of the day he just wanted to put his feet up, pop out his apocryphal wooden teeth and enjoy a good brew. And now, thanks to the New York Public Library, the world can share in George’s personal beer recipe.

And soon, Washington will join the ranks of King Tut as a famous leaders to have an anachronistic beer produced in their honor as the Coney Island Brewery takes up the challenge of reproducing his beer. The Coney Island Brewing Company has christened it the Fortitude’s Founding Father Brew, and its based off the original hand-written recipe below.

To Make Small Beer

Take a large Siffer [Sifter] full of Bran Hops to your Taste. Boil these 3 hours then strain out 30 Gall[ons] into a cooler put in 3 Gall[ons] Molasses while the Beer is Scalding hot or rather draw the Melasses (sic) into the cooler & St[r]ain the Beer on it while boiling Hot. let this stand till it is little more than Blood warm then put in a quart of Yea[s]t if the Weather is very Cold cover it over with a Blank[et] & let it Work in the Cooler 24 hours then put it into the Cask—leave the bung open till it is almost don[e] Working—Bottle it that day Week it was Brewed.

Though a bit silly, the Library has a stake in this beer as well, hoping to draw attention to the amazing trove of documents avaialble to the public. That may be so, but unfortunately there are no plans to sell the beer to the public. If you want to get a taste, you’ll have to have tickets to the library’s centennial gala later this month. For those lucky folks in the NYC area, there will be a public tasting on May 18 at Rattle N Hum, at 14 E. 33rd Street in Manhattan.

Source…

Alternative Definitions

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May 162011
 

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends And is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.