Joke Of The Day
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’ The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. ‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place.’ He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook’n dangerous for me!’
THERE’S MORE…
Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a hotgun in the other. ‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’
IT IS NOT OVER YET…
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Seana appears. He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. ‘Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now Sean and his fook’n hengliding!’
How To Tell Where A Driver Is From
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator: California
With gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado
One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um”.
Only in America
Only in America … must we spend billions because we can’t let Chrysler go bankrupt … and then, let Chrysler go bankrupt.
Only in America … can Congress force Fannie and Freddie to buy subprime loans … and then blame Fannie and Freddie for buying subprime loans.
Only in America … a major crisis requires swift action to pass a bill without reading it … then vacation for three days before the president has time to sign it.
Only in America … you can be legally illegal.
Only in America … Congress makes laws they don’t have to follow.
Only in America … your vice president declares ‘jobs’ a three letter word.
Only in America … does the military get investigated by homeland security as possible terrorists, while our borders are wide open.
Only in America … can you get a tax refund on taxes you didn’t pay.
Only in America … can you blame others when you don’t perform.
Only in America … you have more rights being illegal, than you do being legal.
Only in America … can you be 13 and have an abortion without telling your parents … but must have a written note from your parent why you missed school.
Only in America … are you punished for good performance … and revered for nonperformance.
Only in America … can you call large corporations evil … while 99.9 percent of the Americans work in companies with less than 500 employees.
Only in America … can Chrysler get $10 billion in aid for their company of 30,000 employees … I guess it is difficult to run a company for $333,333 per employee.
Only in America … we care about three guys that get water up the nose … while our enemies are beheading us and blowing crowds of people up with suicide bombings.
Only in America … you can say other interrogation techniques work … but you have no idea what those techniques are.
Only in America … you can be president without a birth certificate.
Only in America … do politicians consider ‘we the people’ astro-turf.
Only in America … whatever goes wrong will always be Bush’s fault.
“You Scare Me”: An Open Letter To Barack Obama
Just how scary does former Procter & Gamble executive Lou Pritchett find our new president, Barack Obama? Very! Lou Pritchett lists 20 reasons that he is very, very afraid of the current commander-in-chief, including my personal favorite: “culturally you are not an American.”
Dear President Obama:
You are the thirteenth President under whom I have lived and unlike any of the others, you truly scare me.
You scare me because after months of exposure, I know nothing about you.
You scare me because I do not know how you paid for your expensive Ivy League education and your upscale lifestyle and housing with no visible signs of support.
You scare me because you did not spend the formative years of youth growing up in America and culturally you are not an American.
You scare me because you have never run a company or met a payroll.
You scare me because you have never had military experience, thus don’t understand it at its core.
You scare me because you lack humility and ‘class’, always blaming others.
You scare me because for over half your life you have aligned yourself with radical extremists who hate America and you refuse to publicly denounce these radicals who wish to see America fail.
You scare me because you are a cheerleader for the ‘blame America’ crowd and deliver this message abroad.
You scare me because you want to change America to a European style country where the government sector dominates instead of the private sector.
You scare me because you want to replace our health care system with a government controlled one.
You scare me because you prefer ‘wind mills’ to responsibly capitalizing on our own vast oil, coal and shale reserves.
You scare me because you want to kill the American capitalist goose that lays the golden egg which provides the highest standard of living in the world.
You scare me because you have begun to use ‘extortion’ tactics against certain banks and corporations.
You scare me because your own political party shrinks from challenging you on your wild and irresponsible spending proposals.
You scare me because you will not openly listen to or even consider opposing points of view from intelligent people.
You scare me because you falsely believe that you are both omnipotent and omniscient.
You scare me because the media gives you a free pass on everything you do.
You scare me because you demonize and want to silence the Limbaughs, Hannitys, O’Relllys and Becks who offer opposing, conservative points of view.
You scare me because you prefer controlling over governing.
Finally, you scare me because if you serve a second term I will probably not feel safe in writing a similar letter in 8 years.
Lou Pritchett
Analysis: The letter is authentic. Lou Pritchett, author, motivational speaker and former Vice-President of Sales and Customer Development for Procter & Gamble, has acknowledged writing the above opinion piece and submitting it to the New York Times for publication, though to date it has only been published on the Internet, including on various conservative blogs and the American Family Association’s website.
Verified at Snopes
