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Tag: Work
Government Employee Performance Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation or performance review just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from United States Federal Government employee performance evaluations:
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of definite won’t be.”
4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
7. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
8. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
9. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.”
10. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
11. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
12. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
13. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
14. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
15. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
16. “He would argue with a signpost.”
17. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
18. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
19. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
20. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
21. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
22. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
23. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
24. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
25. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
26. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
27. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
28. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60-minutes’.”
31. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
Joke Of The Day: Safety At Work
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Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.
“Does anyone know,” I asked a few guys, “what the speed limit is in our parking lot?” The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. “That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?”
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Clarification Of Hiring Lingo
Competitive Salary – We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join Our Fast-Paced Company – We have no time to train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere – We don’t pay you enough to expect that you will dress up.
Must Be Deadline Oriented – You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some Overtime Required – Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties Will Vary – Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must Have An Eye For Detail – We have no quality control.
Career-Minded – Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).
Apply In Person – If you’re fat, old, or ugly, you will be told the position has been filled.
No Phone Calls Please – We already have someone for the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety of Experience – You will need it to replace three people who have just left.
Problem Solving Skills A Must – You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires Team Leadership Skills – You will have the responsibilities of a manager; without the pay or respect.
Good Communication Skills – Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
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