Tag: Women

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Screams Of Passion

Rubber Chicken An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said, “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes.”

The Frenchman said, “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”

Then the Aussie said, “That’s nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”

The astonished Italian and Frenchman asked, “Two full hours? Wow, that’s phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?”

The Aussie replied, “I wiped my greasy hands on the curtains!“

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Losing The Wife

Rubber Chicken A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: The Husband Store

Rubber Chicken A store that sells husbands to single women opens where a woman may go to choose from many available men. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

There are only six floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, Jane decides to go to the Husband Store to find herself a mate.

She gets to the first floor and the sign says:

“Floor 1 — These men have jobs.”

She figures she can do better, so she goes up the next flight.

“Floor 2 — These men have jobs and love kids.”

Not bad, she decides, but what about companionship? She moves on.

“Floor 3 — These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good-looking.”

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

“Floor 4 — These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework.”

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the 5th floor, where the sign reads:

“Floor 5 — These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.”

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 — You are visitor #46,012 to this floor today. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step when you exit the building and have a nice day!

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: $100 Goes A Long Way

Rubber Chicken Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife was not wearing any underwear!

Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”

John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.

Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by the afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”

Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?”

She thinks, ‘Oh hell, he knows!’ Finally she says, “Yes, he did give me $100.”

“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

 

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: Grave News

Rubber Chicken A gorgeous woman visited a world-renowned psychic. In a dark and unnaturally cold room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered some grave news:

“There’s no easy way to say this, my dear so I’ll just tell you what I see: your husband is a powerful man, but prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death later this year.”

Visibly shaken, the customer stared at the woman’s wrinkled, wise-looking face, then at the flickering candle on the table, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

“I simply have to know one thing,” she finally says. The fortune teller met her gaze. The woman steadied her voice, and finally got the words out: “Will I be acquitted?”

 

 

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