Funny, JokesComments Off on Punny Biblical Questions And Answers
Mar052016
Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A: Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A: Pharaoh’s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A: Ruth-less.
Q: Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A: Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. A: David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. A: Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord. A: 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”
Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A: Samson; he brought the house down.
Q: Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A: In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
JokesComments Off on Joke Of The Day: Cowboy’s Lost Bible
Mar052016
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
JokesComments Off on Joke Of The Day: Secret To Success
Jun112015
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”
“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Bill Gates.”
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”
