A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
a) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical! b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny. d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas…
Things I’ve learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Texas Governor Greg Abbott declared February 2nd to be “Chris Kyle Day” to honor the Texan who became known the most lethal sniper in American history. Kyle was also recently immortalized in the blockbuster film “American Sniper.”
Kyle was credited with 150 sniper kills during his four tours of duty in Iraq as a Navy Seal. He was tragically shot and killed on February 2, 2013, while trying to help a fellow veteran who was allegedly suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Taya Kyle, the widow of Chris Kyle, was recently honored by the organization AmericanSnipers.org with a donation of $62,000. According to a Breitbart News article by AWR Hawkins, the group raised the money by raffling a McMillan .338 Lapua sniper rifle. She also recently made news by shooting an antelope on a hunting trip taken to honor her late husband.
After his death, Kyle was honored with a memorial service in the Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas. The service along with the miles-long funeral procession were also featured in the movie honoring Kyle.
During that service, then Governor Rick Perry said, “Chris Kyle was the public face of an anonymous breed of American warrior who are handed the hardest missions and assume the largest risks,” Former Governor Rick Perry said. “Chris was among the very best at what he did, and he saved countless American lives in the process. Our state and our nation suffered a profound loss with his passing. I am honored to have known Chris and to have called him my friend. Anita and I send our deepest condolences to his wife, Taya, his children and the thousands of service members that were his extended family.”
Medal of Honor recipient retired Master Sgt. Leroy Petry walks the field of the Alamodome with World War II veteran Richard Overton in San Antonio, Jan. 3, 2015. Petry, awarded the Medal of Honor last year for efforts in Afghanistan, and Overton, the oldest living World War II veteran at 108 years old, delivered the game ball at the U.S. Army All-American Bowl.
Respect!
U.S. Army photo by Sgt. 1st Class Brian Hamilton
#USArmy#MedalOfHonor recipient, retired Master Sgt. Leroy Petry and Richard Overton, the oldest living World War II veteran at 108 years old, deliver the game ball to #ArmyBowl players at the U.S. Army All-American Bowl, played on Alamodome field, in San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 3, 2015.
In the men’s bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows…. he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean.”
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us… not to piss on our hands.”
