Story Of The Day: The Oklahoma Highway Patrol

In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.

About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon #658 responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck. He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver’s door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.

The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked.

He jerked the gearshift into ‘drive’ and hit the gas. The car’s speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning. Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding, but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This went on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled at the man to ‘Pull over!’

The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine.

Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.

Joke Of The Day

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin . As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin to jump….

She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, “Please don’t jump! Think of your dear mother and father.”

He replied, “My mom and dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”

She said, “Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.”

He replied, “I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids.”

She said, “Well, then you just remember the Alamo .”

He replied, ”What’s the Alamo?”

She replied,….. ”Well bless your heart,….just go ahead and jump you little Yankee bastard!

Joke Of The Day

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”

The proud father answers, “17 pounds.”

The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long neck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

Guide: Translating Californese into Texan

Translation into Texan of some common California euphemisms…

In California:

Means in Texas:

Diversity/Lifestyle Choice

Sinful and Perverted

Arsenal of Weapons

Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands

Swamp

Undocumented Worker

Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials

Polyester

Assault and Battery

Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed

Well-protected

Narrow-minded

Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share

Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control

Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives

Fireworks or Stump Removal

Nonviable Tissue Mass

Unborn Baby

Equal Access to Opportunity

Socialism

Multicultural Community

High Crime Area

Fairness /Social Progress

Marxism

Upper Class or “The Rich”

Self-Employed

Progressive, Change

Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged

Bums/Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle

Scoped Deer Gun

Investment For the Future

Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform

Socialized Medicine

Extremist,/Judgmental/Hater

Conservative

High Capacity Magazine

Standard Mag

Religious Zealot

Church-going

Fair Trade Coffee

Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or “The Rich”

Employed/Land Owner

The Gun Lobby

NRA Members

Assault Weapon

Semi-Auto (Grandpa’s M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus

New/Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage

Legalized Perversion

Source…

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