Tag: Rednecks

Jokes

Joke Of The Day

Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.

A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal”, he starts writing in his notebook.

“But I’m not from New York” the boy replies.

“I’m visiting from Kentucky!”

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Redneck bastard kills family pet”.

Amusing

Bubbonics

Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and Massachusetts.

“Ebonics,” a neologism created by combining “Ebony” and “phonics,” is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.

Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called “Bubbonics!”

Created from mixing “Bubba”and “phonics,” we too have an entirely separate language from English.

Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English.

For example, the English language includes the letter “L,” although Bubbonics does not.

Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.

Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:

Can I help you?
Kin ah hip ewe?

Hi, I’m Don Fowler.
Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.

The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than English, and the primary vowel sound is “ah.” The letters A and E are generally replaced with the sound of a short i.

For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English.

Consider the following statement in Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:

Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.
I axed you a question, sukka.

Ah be smaht.
I be smarts now.

Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.
Hooked on ‘bonics be wukking fo me.

If you’re a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught to kids in prep school.

And if you’re a native English speaker and you CAN’T read the writing on the wall, it’s probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you’re just that far behind.

Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

Amusing

New Scientific Theories

Here are the winning entries from a recent contest for “new scientific theories.”

THE RUNNERS-UP:

4th Runner-Up– The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

3rd Runner-Up– Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use “acronyms”; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd Runner-Up- The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

1st Runner-Up- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

HONOURABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah”, the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in”erl wells.”

GRAND PRIZE WINNER: When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A “buttered-cat array” could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and “giant buttered-cat arrays” could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

Jokes

Joke Of The Day

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”

Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father.

Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl! If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”

Load More