My 10-year old asked me, “There are so many people in the world. When they die, is Heaven is going to fill up?”
I replied, “No, that’s most unlikely. The number of people who will actually go there is much smaller than those who think they’ll go there. Hell is full of people who are incredibly surprised.”
1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?
2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?
3. Why can’t woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say”hi, my name’s Bob. I’m an alcoholic”?
5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
11. What do people in China call their good plates?
12. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They’re both dogs.
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?
16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn’t he buy his dinner?
17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?
18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?
20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?
21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there’s billions of stars in the universe,you believe them. But if they tell you there’s wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?
22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.
Candidate A –
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B –
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C –
He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
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ANSWERS
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler!
And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea….does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Who invented accents?
Who named everything?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist’s materials in a drawing room?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called ‘stands’ when they’re made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why aren’t there bullet-proof pants?
Why didn’t Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force?
Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won’t they all stop eventually?
Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do guys wear underpants?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
Why do they call them “apartments” when they are all stuck together?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do ‘tug’boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
Why does bottled water have an expiration date?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn’t superglue stick to its container?
Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called ‘after dark’, when it is really after light?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is it when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open it’s not adoor?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish washing liquid contains real lemons?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word “abbreviate” so long?
Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? Don’t you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Sooner or later, doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn’t determine who’s right, just who’s left.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover and an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot… and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM’s?
If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas station when smoking is prohibited there?
Where are Preparations A through G?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
If an orange is orange, whey isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? – or maybe I’ll just have a big bunch of purples.
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?