Joke Of The Day: Sharing Everything

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Aug 022015
 
Rubber Chicken He ordered only one hamburger, only one order of French fries and only one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. Then he put the drink cup on the table, exactly half-way between him and his wife.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, “That poor old couple… all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine. “We are used to sharing everything,” he said simply.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time it was the old woman who said, “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man yet again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, “OK, but what is it you are waiting for?”

She paused a bit before she answered, as if it were quite obvious, “the teeth!”

 

 

A Letter From Grandma

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Jul 302015
 

A Letter From Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the celebration. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”…

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing… why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

 

You’re Over The Hill When…

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Jul 022015
 

You're Over The Hill When1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large…In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Cumbaya..

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, “whippersnapper,” “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digits.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.

29. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”

30. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.

 

Jeanne Calment – The Woman God Forgot

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Jun 292015
 

Jeanne Calment - The Woman God Forgot

Jeanne Calment holds the world record for the longest confirmed lifespan (122).

She lived in Arles, France, and claimed to have met Vincent van Gogh at the age of 13 when he came into her father’s shop in 1888 to buy coloured pencils. She found him to be, “Dirty, badly dressed and disagreeable.”

She outlived her daughter and grandson by several decades. In 1965 she signed a deal to sell her apartment to lawyer André-François Raffray on a contingency contract. Then aged 47, he agreed to pay her 2,500 francs a month until she died. However, he died before she did, at 77 from cancer, and his widow was obliged to continue the payments – which ended up far exceeding the value of the apartment. Calment used to say to them that she was competing with Methuselah.

She was 94 when man first walked on the moon, and lived on her own until the age of 110, when she moved into a nursing home having become blind and nearly deaf. Her mind was however still intact – until her death at the age of 122 she was sharp as a knife.

The assumption of the medics was that she benefitted from extraordinary genes. Her father lived until six days shy of 93 and her brother François lived to the age of 97. Although genes probably played a part, there were also other aspects to her long life we can learn from.

Her husband’s wealth made it possible for her not to have to work; instead she lived a leisured lifestyle playing tennis, cycling, swimming, roller-skating, piano and going to the opera. Swimming in particular is a sport practised by many centenarians. At the age of 85 she took up fencing, proving that not sitting around waiting for death but developing new interests irrespective of age is a factor in life extension. The fact she continued to cycle until the age of 100 indicates regular exercise contributed to her longevity. It is also likely she suffered from very little stress. Not working is not an option for most of us, but it is nonetheless significant that she avoided all the diseases of later life while having a lot of fun. Managing stress through thought selection and intelligent use of music, massage/meditation and leisure is crucial to staying ageless.

She ascribed her long life to a diet rich in olive oil and garlic, which has been shown to help prevent arthritis, heart disease, hypertension and lung cancer among other things. She ate chocolate every day – today chocolate is lauded for its tremendous antioxidant potential. It lowers cholesterol, prevents cognitive decline and reduces the risk of cardiovascular problems. She also had a minor vice – a pêché mignon as the French say – port and a cigarette after her meal. Allowing oneself pleasurable things in moderation releases endorphins – or in lay terms, makes life worth living, proving the old adage that a little bit of what you fancy does you good. These days smokers can use e-cigarettes and enjoy the pleasure of nicotine without the risks of tobacco. As she reached her 110th birthday she took to saying, “God has forgotten me”. Her recipe for long life is telling – fun and laughter, or put another way, a positive outlook and developing the ability to avoiding casting oneself in the role of victim. When asked how she saw the future she replied with her famous sense of humour, “Short”.

On her 122nd birthday on 21 February 1997 she decided not to make any more public appearances as her health had deteriorated. The French gerontologist Jean-Marie Robine said this “allowed her to die as the attention had kept her alive”. He also said perhaps in a century everyone will live to 100.

Attitudes to ageing continue to change and medical research is unstoppable. Jeanne Calment died with a sound mind, but no one could claim she did not look her age. She was blind and almost deaf. Our goal is not to extend life to live it in feeble old age, but to live an active, healthy life to 100 and beyond.

After four and a half billion heart beats, her heart stopped on August 4th of the same year.

 

 

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