A Wise Old Man

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Mar 122016
 

A Wise Old ManA wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.” The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?” “A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace.

 

Top 10 Old Folks’ Party Games

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Mar 022016
 

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10. Musical Recliners

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

8. Hide and Go Pee

7. Simon Says Something Incoherent

6. Doc, Doc Goose

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over

4. Kick the Bucket

3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear

2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy

1. Sag, You’re It!

 

You Know You’re Old When

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Feb 122016
 
You Know You’re Old When…
  • You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You enjoy watching the news.
  • The only reason you’re still awake at 4 am is indigestion.
  • People ask what color your hair USED to be.
  • You’re proud of your lawn mower.
  • Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn’t breaking any laws.
  • You start singing along with the elevator music.
  • You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.
  • You’ve owned clothes so long that they’ve come back into style–TWICE.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • 8 AM is your idea of “sleeping in.”
  • You write thank you notes without being told.
  • You start Christmas shopping in August.
  • You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.
  • You don’t like to drive after dark.
  • You say the words “Turn that music down!”
  • You point out what buildings used to be where.
  • You know all the warning signs of a heart attack.
  • You rake the yard without being told to.
  • You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
  • The service station attendant lets you pump your gas before paying.
  • You start your conversation with; “When I was younger”.
  • The highlight of your week is playing bingo.
  • You understand the dangers of drinking.
  • Some asks you; “What did you used to do?” or “How did they used to do it when you were my age?”
  • Pogo sticks look more like a form of punishment than fun.
  • You have your chiropractor on your speed dial.

You Know You’re Old When
 

What I’ve Discovered

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Feb 112016
 

What I’ve DiscoveredNow that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here. I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut, and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.

19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.