Tag: New Year’s Day

Funny Jokes

New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions You Have No Chance at Keeping

  1. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!”
  2. Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes
  3. I will try to figure out why I “really” need 5 facebook accounts.
  4. I resolve to work with neglected children… my own.
  5. Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
  6. I will stop using, “So, what’s your URL?” as a pickup line.
  7. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
  8. I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
  9. Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
  10. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
  11. Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
  12. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.
  13. I will think of a password other than “password”

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

  1. Read less.
  2. I want to gain weight.
  3. Put on at least 30 pounds.
  4. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.
  5. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
  6. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
  7. Watch less T.V. in standard definition.
  8. Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
  9. Watch more movie remakes.
  10. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
  11. Procrastinate more.
  12. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
  13. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
  14. Drink some more.
  15. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because Amazon has better specials.
  16. Start being superstitious.
  17. Spend more time at work.
  18. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
  19. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

New Year’s Resolutions One Liner Jokes:

  1. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
  2. My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
  3. New Year’s Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
  4. My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.
  5. I’m getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.
  6. My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
  7. I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
  8. If 2014 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
  9. This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
  10. My New Year’s Resolution is to break my New Year’s Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!
  11. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions?
  12. My 2015 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

 

Funny Quotes

New Year Quotes

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions. ~ Mark Twain

Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. ~ Brooks Atkinson

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to. ~ Bill Vaughan

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. ~ P. J. O’Rourke

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. ~ Jay Leno

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. ~ James Agate

Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle. ~ Eric Zorn

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. ~ Bill Vaughan

New Year’s Day is every man’s birthday. ~ Charles Lamb

New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. ~ Mark Twain

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that. ~ Judith Crist

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits. ~ Anonymous

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions! ~ Joey Adams

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me. ~ Anais Nin

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. ~ Oscar Wilde

I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. ~ Robert Paul

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other. ~ Anonymous

From New Year’s on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining. ~ Leonard Bernstein

The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes. Unless a particular man made New Year resolutions, he would make no resolutions. Unless a man starts afresh about things, he will certainly do nothing effective. Unless a man starts on the strange assumption that he has never existed before, it is quite certain that he will never exist afterwards. Unless a man be born again, he shall by no means enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. ~ G. K. Chesterton

 

Riddles

Random Riddle: 1-1-2015

Everyone knows that both Christmas Day and New Year’s Day always fall on the same day of the week. However, in 1939, the year of the outbreak of World War II, Christmas fell on a Monday and New Year’s fell on a Sunday.

Why?
 

 Riddle

 

Jokes

Joke Of The Day: A Lecture Tour With A Difference

Rubber Chicken On New Year’s Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at four o’clock in the morning?’ asked the police officer.

‘I’m on my way to a lecture,’ answered Roger.

‘And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year’s Eve?’ enquired the constable sarcastically.

‘My wife,’ slurred Daniel grimly.

 

 

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