Joke Of The Day: A Single Roll Of The Dice

Rubber Chicken An attractive blonde from Cork Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but…. all men… are men!

 

 

Joke Of The Day: Night Fishing

Rubber Chicken Off the coast of Newfoundland, a great many fishermen do their fishing at night. They navigate solely by the light of the moon, scorning more sophisticated methods. Of course, from time to time this method fails, and shipwrecks are the result.

The Department of Fisheries was reviewing statistics one day and was shocked to discover how many shipwrecks there were during night fishing. When they discovered that the fishermen were navigating by the light of the moon, they promptly installed buoys near all the dangerous shoals and reefs to aid night navigation. To their surprise, when the statistics came in the following month, the shipwrecks had tripled! The buoys were removed, and things returned to normal.

The moral of the story: You can’t send a buoy to do a moon’s job!

 

 

The Seamstress

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

“Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the woman’s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Tom Selleck.

“Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Tom Selleck, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said ‘no’ to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I’m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT’S why I said ‘yes’ to Tom Selleck.”

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women

 

A Parable Of A Dead Cat

A Parable Of A Dead Cat

He started out as a gift to the children. Just barely two months old when he arrived, Little Buddy was a big hit with the family. We had never had a cat before, let alone a Ginger Cat.

Raising Little Buddy was to be a family task. That nasty business of cleaning the litter box originally was to be a shared task for the children.

“We’ll take turns, Dad, we’ll feed him and bathe him and clean up after him. We promise.”

Well, I eventually gave in and Little Buddy came to live with us. It didn’t take long for Little Buddy to learn the routine. He even liked his weekly bath. He was a very curious cat too. With his long tail extended, Little Buddy walked on the back of the chairs and sofa and the countertops in the kitchen and the window sills too.

After being reminded several times, Little Buddy learned that we didn’t want him on the kitchen counters or on the table. He kept his backyard romps to a minimum and rarely stayed out more than about five to ten minutes. Then he would be back to the door asking to come inside.

There was just one thing that Little Buddy could not stop doing. Scratching. He extended his forepaws and dug them into the furniture. Deep gouges appeared on the legs of the sofa and chairs. He dug his claws into the fabric and shredded everything. He even scratched the legs of our very expensive and antique dining room table and chairs. Threads were appearing everywhere. And even though we warned him and tried to convince him otherwise, he refused to obey.

Well, as my wife said, “cats will be cats.”

So, a trip to the vet was planned. You see, a vet can surgically remove these sharp appendages. They can declaw a cat, making them harmless to you and to your furniture. Against his will, Little Buddy submitted to this procedure. Within a week he was back to his old self with one exception. There was no longer scratching. Oh, he still went through the motions, but he could not do any damage. Without claws, he was no longer a threat to us or our furniture.

At last, Little Buddy was a manageable pet. He could run, jump and play without being a problem in our home or to anyone that might try to pick him up.

However, one night during his romp in the backyard, Little Buddy ran into an unforeseen situation. We don’t know how many there were, but all we heard were dogs barking. I ran into the backyard and never even saw them. That’s when I found him. My Little Buddy. Lying lifeless in a pool of his own blood.

You see, in our misguided quest to make Little Buddy a more manageable member of our family, we had removed Little Buddy’s only means of self-defense. Without claws, Little Buddy was helpless. Little Buddy could only HOPE he wouldn’t be assaulted.

The moral to this story is simple: The right to bare arms saves your hide.

Joke Of The Day: Getting To The Top

Rubber ChickenGetting To The Top

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree”, sighed the pheasant, “but I haven”t got the energy”.

Well, why don”t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They”re packed with nutrients”.

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won”t keep you there.

 

 

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